[Touch her? He's not even sure he wants her to touch him. Her revulsion is tangible to him. A slap might have been better, because at least he wouldn't feel guilty about it.
So he makes no move to raise his arms and hug her in return. He does, however, lean into her. Because he's weak and needy. Because no one else will hold him right now. Because everyone thinks he wants some distance, and he doesn't want that at all. He wants exactly this: to be held and to be allowed to feel bad without earning disgust or exasperation or outright fear in response.
Pretty soon, Jesse is back to sobbing out loud. It's everything at once. He's crying because he's a murderer and an addict and because he almost abandoned everyone and killed himself - which was as much about fulfilling Mr. White's wish as it was about getting revenge on Saul for helping him in the first place. And he's crying because both of those men hurt him so much and he can't help needing them anyway - because they both deserve to die but Jesse loves them. He loves the Saul who took care of him when he got sick and tried to save his life. He loves the Mr. White who used to take him camping and actually did save his life. He doesn't understand why the people who love him hurt him so much. He doesn't understand why he does the same to the people he loves.
And there's no articulating any of this. All he can do is cry and cry.]
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So he makes no move to raise his arms and hug her in return. He does, however, lean into her. Because he's weak and needy. Because no one else will hold him right now. Because everyone thinks he wants some distance, and he doesn't want that at all. He wants exactly this: to be held and to be allowed to feel bad without earning disgust or exasperation or outright fear in response.
Pretty soon, Jesse is back to sobbing out loud. It's everything at once. He's crying because he's a murderer and an addict and because he almost abandoned everyone and killed himself - which was as much about fulfilling Mr. White's wish as it was about getting revenge on Saul for helping him in the first place. And he's crying because both of those men hurt him so much and he can't help needing them anyway - because they both deserve to die but Jesse loves them. He loves the Saul who took care of him when he got sick and tried to save his life. He loves the Mr. White who used to take him camping and actually did save his life. He doesn't understand why the people who love him hurt him so much. He doesn't understand why he does the same to the people he loves.
And there's no articulating any of this. All he can do is cry and cry.]