He was sick. When she told him. It was when we were getting bombed, and then he stopped breathing and I... It wasn't important. All that shit happened. Who cares, right? He was sick. What the fuck kind of time is that to tell him that shit?
And then it just - I mean, I apologized to her, right after the bombing. And she told me it was fine. She said, "You don't have the ability to hurt me." And that was it. I thought...
It don't matter. Whatever Saul thinks about me. I'm not trying to -
[He sniffs, and he's shaking his head again, though she can't see it.]
I will never lay a hand on you. I won't even look at you again, if that's what you want. I told her the same thing. I told her she didn't have to forgive me, but I was sorry, and she'd never have to deal with me again if she didn't wanna. It's the same for you, Steph.
[She hates that she feels like crying again; she hates thinking about things like this and hates knowing that no matter what happens, she's going to feel like the bad guy.]
What I do know is what Sonya feels like. [It's an admission, it's trusting him even when she shouldn't, with that fact, regardless of whether she's giving details or not.] And I don't wanna be scared of a friend.
[Which feels stupid to say. Like, who fucking cares, honestly? It doesn't make him any less of a creepy shit, like oh, blah blah blah, the cycle of abuse. No one needs to feel sorry for him. But the point is...]
And she wishes he hadn't done it to Sonya, because then it wouldn't be a problem, none of them would have to be scared and they wouldn't have to deal with this on top of everything.
But saying that wouldn't change anything.]
Can I just-- can I be kinda brutally honest for a second?
[There's something she wants to say, but she's not sure Jesse wants to hear it.]
I wanna believe you, and I wanna trust you, but it's like... it's like there's two of you, Jesse. Right now, or- or in the clinic, or when they took Saul, I know that you wouldn't hurt me, but the other day when I came to see you...
[a pause as she tries to remember how to breathe.]
You really scared me, and when you're like that I don't know what you'll do.
[He hesitates there. There are things he shouldn't say while people are monitoring his tablet. Things he shouldn't say at all, probably. But everything's mattering less and less as he's convinced there's really no way out of this for him. Even if he gets out of the cell. They've taken everything. Or he destroyed it himself. Whatever.]
This isn't gonna make you feel better, but... Those times? That's me getting cornered, being stupid. Mr. White used to tell me I gotta do that, blow up like that so everybody'd leave me alone. I dunno when it happened, but somewhere along the way, that became part of me. The bad guy. I can't control it and it scares the shit outta people.
But I never really hurt anybody when I was like that. Came close. Came close a lotta times. But the real me always comes back, like it did the other day.
It's the real me that hurts people. A hundred percent me, and I know exactly what I'm doing when I do it, and I know who I'm doing it to and why I'm doing it. People keep saying I'm crazy and they're probably right. But if I ever hurt somebody - not just talk about it, but really, really hurt somebody - then it's the same guy you're talking to right now. I never been so lucky I could just go off somewhere and let the other guy take care of it.
I do what I do because I think I'm right. And I'm usually wrong. And I'm seeing it now.
[It makes her feel better in a way; at least he gets it, at least he's self-aware enough to realize this is a problem.
She isn't sure if she believes him, that he wouldn't really hurt anybody when he's like that. But she saw him come back, when she told him to kill her.]
Then change.
[It sounds more like a plea than an order, but if he's realizing that he's usually wrong. He needs to change.]
[But that's so feeble and there's nothing else he can promise. There's something deeply wrong with him and it isn't what everyone thinks is wrong with him. And maybe it's something no one can fix. After a year in this place, trying his hardest, he still hasn't fixed it.]
[He isn't so sure that's true. He can sense their fatigue, their frustration. Some people - like Saul, telling Steph what happened with Sonya - seem ready to wash their hands of him. Every day he wonders if he should do them the favor of ending it.]
[He didn't know he had to. He thought it was all resolved. But if Saul's spreading this shit everywhere, then Lisbeth can't hear it from someone else.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Jesse...
[This was stupid, this isn't what she wanted to hear because it'd be so much easier to just - cut Jesse out completely.]
Did you ever try to tell him?
[Which isn't-- Saul should have asked, but maybe she's just clutching at straws right now.]
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And then it just - I mean, I apologized to her, right after the bombing. And she told me it was fine. She said, "You don't have the ability to hurt me." And that was it. I thought...
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She scrubs her hands over her face and laughs, but it's not a very nice sound.]
Maybe he was just scared that Sonya would tell me and I'd be pissed at him.
[It's such a harsh thought, but she can't help it.]
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[He sniffs, and he's shaking his head again, though she can't see it.]
I will never lay a hand on you. I won't even look at you again, if that's what you want. I told her the same thing. I told her she didn't have to forgive me, but I was sorry, and she'd never have to deal with me again if she didn't wanna. It's the same for you, Steph.
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[She hates that she feels like crying again; she hates thinking about things like this and hates knowing that no matter what happens, she's going to feel like the bad guy.]
What I do know is what Sonya feels like. [It's an admission, it's trusting him even when she shouldn't, with that fact, regardless of whether she's giving details or not.] And I don't wanna be scared of a friend.
[But there's no real way to fix that, not now.]
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[Which feels stupid to say. Like, who fucking cares, honestly? It doesn't make him any less of a creepy shit, like oh, blah blah blah, the cycle of abuse. No one needs to feel sorry for him. But the point is...]
I don't wanna do that to you.
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And she wishes he hadn't done it to Sonya, because then it wouldn't be a problem, none of them would have to be scared and they wouldn't have to deal with this on top of everything.
But saying that wouldn't change anything.]
Can I just-- can I be kinda brutally honest for a second?
[There's something she wants to say, but she's not sure Jesse wants to hear it.]
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I wanna believe you, and I wanna trust you, but it's like... it's like there's two of you, Jesse. Right now, or- or in the clinic, or when they took Saul, I know that you wouldn't hurt me, but the other day when I came to see you...
[a pause as she tries to remember how to breathe.]
You really scared me, and when you're like that I don't know what you'll do.
[So she can't believe him, can't trust him.]
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[He hesitates there. There are things he shouldn't say while people are monitoring his tablet. Things he shouldn't say at all, probably. But everything's mattering less and less as he's convinced there's really no way out of this for him. Even if he gets out of the cell. They've taken everything. Or he destroyed it himself. Whatever.]
This isn't gonna make you feel better, but... Those times? That's me getting cornered, being stupid. Mr. White used to tell me I gotta do that, blow up like that so everybody'd leave me alone. I dunno when it happened, but somewhere along the way, that became part of me. The bad guy. I can't control it and it scares the shit outta people.
But I never really hurt anybody when I was like that. Came close. Came close a lotta times. But the real me always comes back, like it did the other day.
It's the real me that hurts people. A hundred percent me, and I know exactly what I'm doing when I do it, and I know who I'm doing it to and why I'm doing it. People keep saying I'm crazy and they're probably right. But if I ever hurt somebody - not just talk about it, but really, really hurt somebody - then it's the same guy you're talking to right now. I never been so lucky I could just go off somewhere and let the other guy take care of it.
I do what I do because I think I'm right. And I'm usually wrong. And I'm seeing it now.
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She isn't sure if she believes him, that he wouldn't really hurt anybody when he's like that. But she saw him come back, when she told him to kill her.]
Then change.
[It sounds more like a plea than an order, but if he's realizing that he's usually wrong. He needs to change.]
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I'm trying.
[But that's so feeble and there's nothing else he can promise. There's something deeply wrong with him and it isn't what everyone thinks is wrong with him. And maybe it's something no one can fix. After a year in this place, trying his hardest, he still hasn't fixed it.]
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Good.
[It's gentle, though.]
I know it's not easy, Jesse, but don't give up. You've got people who care about you, we want to help.
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I'm, um... I'm sorry. Putting you through this.
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[Maybe she's just sorry for getting involved with Jesse's shit even though she knew it was going to be like this.]
You should tell Lisbeth.
[Whether she believes Jesse's version of events or not, Lisbeth has a right to know.]
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[He didn't know he had to. He thought it was all resolved. But if Saul's spreading this shit everywhere, then Lisbeth can't hear it from someone else.]
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I meant what I said, Jesse, about people caring about you. Saul's trying so hard to make things right, but I don't think I can help you anymore.
[And she doesn't say I'm sorry, even though she sounds like she is.]
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I get it. Yeah. I know. I'll stay away from you. I mean -
[Obviously. He's not going anywhere.]
I won't talk to you anymore.
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[She will it say now, because she's grateful that he's respecting her choice, that he isn't gonna try to convince her to forgive him.]
Try to look after yourself, Jesse. I hope things start getting better soon.
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It's a struggle to keep his voice steady:]
Have a good rest of your life, Steph.
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Good luck.
[With that, she hangs up and tries not to start crying for the hundredth time this week.]