[It terrifies him, actually, that Walt apparently found out about the cancer thing, didn't even say anything to him, and went on to cook a batch without him. It says he's expendable at best, and competition at worst.
And, knowing what becomes of the competition, Jesse thinks back to the other night. He was missing time. He ended up in bed somehow, when the last thing he remembers about that night is getting into his car. Stuff like that doesn't happen to him anymore. He doesn't just black out anymore.
I guess nothing leaves a mark on me, so, what - just make sure I don't remember it and it's like it never happened? How many times have you done that? You come here and hurt me every night? Is that why you're here now?
[ Walt yells, rising to his feet suddenly and rearing back on Jesse. As he looks at him his expression crumbles and his voice softens. ]
No. Jesse, please. Listen to me. You're getting carried away here. I haven't done anything to you. I'm not hiding in your shadows, torturing you and erasing your memories at night. I'm not....I'm not Chilton.
[ His expression is pleading as he watches Jesse. The truth? Walt debates telling it. Chilton's words come to mind. You tell people the truth you want them to believe because it's the truth YOU want to believe. There's a break in his voice as he closes his eyes. ]
I was here, yes. Sunday night. I wanted to know why you healed my cancer against my will, but I knew you would never tell me the truth. So I sedated you, got you to relax as though you drank a little too much and asked you then. That's it. That's all I did. And I brought you to bed, tucked you in and left. I guess the sedative had a stronger side-effect than I anticipated and you didn't remember it when you woke up. But I didn't outright erase it from your memories, Jesse. I'm not even capable of doing that.
[ He opens his eyes and looks at Jesse. ]
I know it was wrong. And I'm sorry, but I just needed to know why. Why you would condemn me to living a full life when I don't deserve to...
[Maybe it wasn't. Jesse's confident that whatever he said under the influence wouldn't have been damning, that he had no ulterior motives in saving Mr. White's life. But the future's probably given Walt plenty of reasons to doubt him.
Still, he feels sick. Walt had said for himself, in that broken snippet of conversation Jesse had caught over the phone: "I did this same thing to Jesse... just the other day." Part of him had recognized that he was like Chilton. And if he doesn't recognize that drugging people to pull the truth out of them isn't majorly fucked up, then -
No. Even Mr. White recognizes it. He just doesn't like the way it sounds.]
And now you came to me tonight because... Because you knew I'd heal you? Or because you knew I'd kill him for you? What was your plan if all this didn't happen, now you're cooking again without me? 'cause that makes us not partners anymore, right? Help me understand this, Mr. White. 'cause I gotta know if I don't have a choice anymore. Can you just tell me? Tell me I don't have a choice.
[It'll hurt so much less if they aren't supposed to be friends.]
[ And he mentally curses Chilton for causing yet another destruction. Jesse is a mess right now and Walt needs to rein him back in before he does something stupid. He sits down beside him again, reaching his hand out to rest on his shoulder -- his tone is gentle, loving. ]
[It's nothing Walt would notice, but the moment he touches Jesse's shoulder, Jesse bolsters his own power. If Walt intends to drug him again, he won't let it work this time.]
And I get that. I'm not saying I expect you to. I think it makes the most sense, you hating me. But I can tell, you know? You're not hiding it as good as you think you are.
So I guess... maybe just tell me what you want from me. 'cause I'll give you whatever you want. You don't have to lie to get it. I'm ready to pay for all the things I'm gonna do. It just works better if I know, don't you think? It'll be easier for both of us if you stop pretending you care how I feel.
[ Walt pulls back his hand. It hurts when he's confronted with it -- especially now. He cares very much about how Jesse feels, as long as Jesse's acting within a certain set way. What Walt does is what he has to do in their fucked up relationship to get answers but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about Jesse as a person.
Maybe it's just the despair of the situation or the fact that Walt lost so much tonight, but he shakes his head sadly. ]
I don't want anything from you.
[ There's no bitterness in his tone. It's just Walt giving up now. It's Walt standing before Jesse while he's holding the gun: Do it. You want this. He stands, drawing in a breath. ]
I'll do this alone.
[ He starts to the door and then pauses, looking over his shoulder. ]
It was only one cook, Jesse. Just one. I'm done once it sells.
[Jesse gets to his feet, though he doesn't look like he intends to chase after Walt if he's really leaving.]
Is it really that hard to tell me how you feel? Why's it so easy to hurt me, but when it comes to telling me why you're doing it, you run away from me?
[ Walt stops in his tracks and turns to face Jesse completely, taking a step forward. Another step. And then he reaches out to pull him into a tight embrace. ]
You sound like you want me to tell you I don't care about you or that I hate you, Jesse. And that would be the lie.
[Jesse wraps his arms around Walt just to keep him from running away from this. But he's shaking with a mixture of fear and anger. He's learning this is an aggressive move of Walt's. These hugs are never affectionate. They hurt more than anything. With his chin resting on Walt's shoulder, his lips beside Walt's ear, he murmurs:]
You don't drug and interrogate people you care about.
[ He tenses when Jesse still continues to fight him, the embrace losing its tender edge and becoming rigid. ]
You also don't take what isn't yours to take and lie about it. You started this, Jesse. I retaliated. Why does the blame get cast on me when you are every bit as guilty?
I saved your life. That's what I did. Most people say thanks, but you're mad about it. All the rotten things I had to do to save you before and this is the one you're mad about.
Because my life should have ended back home. But it didn't. You don't know what it's like to decide how things are going to end and to end them that way -- only to have it ripped away from you. I died satisfied that I had done my damned best to tie up all the loose ends and finally manage to find a way to get the money to my family. And then I came here -- and everything I did became a mockery. None of it mattered.
[ Walt releases Jesse, narrowing his eyes. ]
I was at peace. And then I got dragged straight back to hell. But I still had the cancer. I could still die. If I got to say goodbye to you and Hank properly, it wouldn't have been a waste. You took that away from me. You stole my only reprieve. And for what?
Jesus, Jesse. Look at us. What was the point of taking it away? You don't even believe me when I tell you I came here because I view you as a partner. You think I had some hidden motive when really I was just afraid -- for myself and for you. I came here because I don't want you to be dragged into this by him, and I wanted us to put our heads together and come up with a plan to stop him.
[ Walt shakes his head slowly. ]
You told me something last night that I know you wouldn't have told me if I hadn't done what I did. You told me you cured me because you hoped I would be happy, and that I would want to stay here. With you. And continue to be happy.
[ A beat. ]
If dying isn't an option here, then there's nothing else I want more than to move forward and live a happy life with you in it. You mean everything to me, Jesse. I know you feel as though I violated your trust, but I promise it will never happen again. You're not some guy I order around who does my bidding because he owes it to me. No. You're family. You're someone that I love -- and if you can't believe in that, then there's nothing else I can say.
[Jesse doesn't quite let Walt draw away, gripping him by the arms. No running from him. It isn't fair, everyone leaving him behind all the time. He knows he's difficult and he knows he's evil but this is the one good thing he's done.]
If you mean that, then act like it. Stop being mad because I gave us more time together. How the hell can you be satisfied with how everything ended back there? I'm never gonna be okay with you dying to save me. That's not a fucking fairytale ending, you stupid son of a bitch. If I'm supposed to be your partner, then think about how I'd feel!
[ The Jesse from the future. The Jesse this one becomes knows it's over. And although he might not be happy about it, although he didn't want to pull the trigger himself -- there's no denying that Jesse thinks Walt deserved it. That broken, destroyed, scarred Jesse -- who gave one final nod to their partnership before driving off to freedom without a single look back.
But Walt doesn't give any indication that he's talking about anything other than now. He looks down at Jesse's hands on his wrist and then tugs him closer for yet another hug -- his palm cradling the back of his head. ]
Shhh, shhh. You're right, Jesse. All of this time, I've only been thinking about myself -- so focused on how things didn't end the way I wanted them to, I failed to realize your motives weren't selfish. Not entirely. I got blinded by my anger, and I'm sorry.
[ He closes his eyes, leaning his cheek against the top of Jesse's head. ]
[He has the horrible feeling that Mr. White's just placating him, but what else can he do? He's not about to reject an apology when there's the remote chance it might be sincere. Jesse wants Walt in his life. That was the point of healing him to begin with. If Jesse suffered through the cancer, he can suffer through the manipulation and the blackouts and whatever else Mr. White has in store for him.
Jesse sucks in a breath, forcing himself to calm down. No more tears. No more yelling. It's time for him to do his job. He leans into the embrace.]
...You want me to fix you up?
[He's only taken care of the sedative so far. Walt should probably be at full strength if they're going to rush off and do something stupid like go after Chilton.]
[ Walt wears a faint, satisfied smile when Jesse melts against him. Good. Finally. He tightens his hug before shaking his head -- grimacing at the pain of the motion. ]
I'm fine.
[ After all, asking for Jesse to do that now after Jesse accused him of only coming over here to get healed would kind of defeat the purpose of what Walt was trying to prove. ]
I'll just get some ice for it. It's no big deal. Thank you, though.
[ There's a pause and his arms leave Jesse's side. ]
Did you happen to look into places for us? Judging by the way things are progressing, it might be nice to get away for a while. Just the two of us.
[ His lips quirk in a tiny smile. ]
We can cook. If you were still interested in cooking.
[Mr. White's obviously missed the point that Jesse wants him to ask for help, not to pretend nothing's wrong. But he doesn't press the issue. His injuries aren't severe enough to warrant a fight over it.]
I been looking at listings. The weather's shit up in Maurtia Falls right now, so I haven't gone yet, but I was thinking about taking a look at De Chima tomorrow. Just to see what they got around there.
[Pennsylvania will definitely suit them better when the snow lets up, though. Less... heroic.]
If you, um... If you really wanna cook again, I could see about getting a lab together. RV's still the best for that, I think.
[ Walt repeats, a smile tinging his lips at the nostalgia of it. Him and Jesse, driving off somewhere to cook -- reminiscent of their time in the past, the beginning of their partnership when everything was okay; when it was really just the two of them before everything else turned to shit. ]
I like the sound of that.
[ He claps Jesse on the shoulder, proud. ]
Let's get one and do this. We can do our own thing, Jesse. It'll be good. Just like it was when we had the RV back home. And hell if I'm not craving the escape for a few days.
[ Walt makes his way back to the couch, sinking onto it. ]
Do you mind if I stay here for the night?
[ Or day or whatever time it is. Walt is pretty exhausted after being chained up and tortured -- took a lot out of him. ]
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[ Walt answers -- short and clipped. ]
I was upset with you at the time.
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...Are you still? Upset with me.
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No. You took my cancer away. But I can understand why you did it.
The day when I first found out -- you can understand why I wouldn't invite you to cook with me, can't you?
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[It terrifies him, actually, that Walt apparently found out about the cancer thing, didn't even say anything to him, and went on to cook a batch without him. It says he's expendable at best, and competition at worst.
And, knowing what becomes of the competition, Jesse thinks back to the other night. He was missing time. He ended up in bed somehow, when the last thing he remembers about that night is getting into his car. Stuff like that doesn't happen to him anymore. He doesn't just black out anymore.
The phone call. The phone call...]
What'd you do to me?
[He's whispering, he can hardly find his voice.]
The other night... You did something to me.
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That isn't important.
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I guess nothing leaves a mark on me, so, what - just make sure I don't remember it and it's like it never happened? How many times have you done that? You come here and hurt me every night? Is that why you're here now?
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[ Walt yells, rising to his feet suddenly and rearing back on Jesse. As he looks at him his expression crumbles and his voice softens. ]
No. Jesse, please. Listen to me. You're getting carried away here. I haven't done anything to you. I'm not hiding in your shadows, torturing you and erasing your memories at night. I'm not....I'm not Chilton.
[ His expression is pleading as he watches Jesse. The truth? Walt debates telling it. Chilton's words come to mind. You tell people the truth you want them to believe because it's the truth YOU want to believe. There's a break in his voice as he closes his eyes. ]
I was here, yes. Sunday night. I wanted to know why you healed my cancer against my will, but I knew you would never tell me the truth. So I sedated you, got you to relax as though you drank a little too much and asked you then. That's it. That's all I did. And I brought you to bed, tucked you in and left. I guess the sedative had a stronger side-effect than I anticipated and you didn't remember it when you woke up. But I didn't outright erase it from your memories, Jesse. I'm not even capable of doing that.
[ He opens his eyes and looks at Jesse. ]
I know it was wrong. And I'm sorry, but I just needed to know why. Why you would condemn me to living a full life when I don't deserve to...
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[Maybe it wasn't. Jesse's confident that whatever he said under the influence wouldn't have been damning, that he had no ulterior motives in saving Mr. White's life. But the future's probably given Walt plenty of reasons to doubt him.
Still, he feels sick. Walt had said for himself, in that broken snippet of conversation Jesse had caught over the phone: "I did this same thing to Jesse... just the other day." Part of him had recognized that he was like Chilton. And if he doesn't recognize that drugging people to pull the truth out of them isn't majorly fucked up, then -
No. Even Mr. White recognizes it. He just doesn't like the way it sounds.]
And now you came to me tonight because... Because you knew I'd heal you? Or because you knew I'd kill him for you? What was your plan if all this didn't happen, now you're cooking again without me? 'cause that makes us not partners anymore, right? Help me understand this, Mr. White. 'cause I gotta know if I don't have a choice anymore. Can you just tell me? Tell me I don't have a choice.
[It'll hurt so much less if they aren't supposed to be friends.]
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[ And he mentally curses Chilton for causing yet another destruction. Jesse is a mess right now and Walt needs to rein him back in before he does something stupid. He sits down beside him again, reaching his hand out to rest on his shoulder -- his tone is gentle, loving. ]
I came to you because we're partners.
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I don't think we are.
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[ He utters it on a breath, staring at Jesse. ]
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And I get that. I'm not saying I expect you to. I think it makes the most sense, you hating me. But I can tell, you know? You're not hiding it as good as you think you are.
So I guess... maybe just tell me what you want from me. 'cause I'll give you whatever you want. You don't have to lie to get it. I'm ready to pay for all the things I'm gonna do. It just works better if I know, don't you think? It'll be easier for both of us if you stop pretending you care how I feel.
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[ Walt pulls back his hand. It hurts when he's confronted with it -- especially now. He cares very much about how Jesse feels, as long as Jesse's acting within a certain set way. What Walt does is what he has to do in their fucked up relationship to get answers but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about Jesse as a person.
Maybe it's just the despair of the situation or the fact that Walt lost so much tonight, but he shakes his head sadly. ]
I don't want anything from you.
[ There's no bitterness in his tone. It's just Walt giving up now. It's Walt standing before Jesse while he's holding the gun: Do it. You want this. He stands, drawing in a breath. ]
I'll do this alone.
[ He starts to the door and then pauses, looking over his shoulder. ]
It was only one cook, Jesse. Just one. I'm done once it sells.
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It's never just one cook.
[Jesse gets to his feet, though he doesn't look like he intends to chase after Walt if he's really leaving.]
Is it really that hard to tell me how you feel? Why's it so easy to hurt me, but when it comes to telling me why you're doing it, you run away from me?
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no it isn't]I told you already. We're partners.
[ Walt stops in his tracks and turns to face Jesse completely, taking a step forward. Another step. And then he reaches out to pull him into a tight embrace. ]
You sound like you want me to tell you I don't care about you or that I hate you, Jesse. And that would be the lie.
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You don't drug and interrogate people you care about.
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You also don't take what isn't yours to take and lie about it. You started this, Jesse. I retaliated. Why does the blame get cast on me when you are every bit as guilty?
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I saved your life. That's what I did. Most people say thanks, but you're mad about it. All the rotten things I had to do to save you before and this is the one you're mad about.
Why?
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[ Walt releases Jesse, narrowing his eyes. ]
I was at peace. And then I got dragged straight back to hell. But I still had the cancer. I could still die. If I got to say goodbye to you and Hank properly, it wouldn't have been a waste. You took that away from me. You stole my only reprieve. And for what?
Jesus, Jesse. Look at us. What was the point of taking it away? You don't even believe me when I tell you I came here because I view you as a partner. You think I had some hidden motive when really I was just afraid -- for myself and for you. I came here because I don't want you to be dragged into this by him, and I wanted us to put our heads together and come up with a plan to stop him.
[ Walt shakes his head slowly. ]
You told me something last night that I know you wouldn't have told me if I hadn't done what I did. You told me you cured me because you hoped I would be happy, and that I would want to stay here. With you. And continue to be happy.
[ A beat. ]
If dying isn't an option here, then there's nothing else I want more than to move forward and live a happy life with you in it. You mean everything to me, Jesse. I know you feel as though I violated your trust, but I promise it will never happen again. You're not some guy I order around who does my bidding because he owes it to me. No. You're family. You're someone that I love -- and if you can't believe in that, then there's nothing else I can say.
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If you mean that, then act like it. Stop being mad because I gave us more time together. How the hell can you be satisfied with how everything ended back there? I'm never gonna be okay with you dying to save me. That's not a fucking fairytale ending, you stupid son of a bitch. If I'm supposed to be your partner, then think about how I'd feel!
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[ The Jesse from the future. The Jesse this one becomes knows it's over. And although he might not be happy about it, although he didn't want to pull the trigger himself -- there's no denying that Jesse thinks Walt deserved it. That broken, destroyed, scarred Jesse -- who gave one final nod to their partnership before driving off to freedom without a single look back.
But Walt doesn't give any indication that he's talking about anything other than now. He looks down at Jesse's hands on his wrist and then tugs him closer for yet another hug -- his palm cradling the back of his head. ]
Shhh, shhh. You're right, Jesse. All of this time, I've only been thinking about myself -- so focused on how things didn't end the way I wanted them to, I failed to realize your motives weren't selfish. Not entirely. I got blinded by my anger, and I'm sorry.
[ He closes his eyes, leaning his cheek against the top of Jesse's head. ]
We are partners. So let's do this together.
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Jesse sucks in a breath, forcing himself to calm down. No more tears. No more yelling. It's time for him to do his job. He leans into the embrace.]
...You want me to fix you up?
[He's only taken care of the sedative so far. Walt should probably be at full strength if they're going to rush off and do something stupid like go after Chilton.]
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I'm fine.
[ After all, asking for Jesse to do that now after Jesse accused him of only coming over here to get healed would kind of defeat the purpose of what Walt was trying to prove. ]
I'll just get some ice for it. It's no big deal. Thank you, though.
[ There's a pause and his arms leave Jesse's side. ]
Did you happen to look into places for us? Judging by the way things are progressing, it might be nice to get away for a while. Just the two of us.
[ His lips quirk in a tiny smile. ]
We can cook. If you were still interested in cooking.
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I been looking at listings. The weather's shit up in Maurtia Falls right now, so I haven't gone yet, but I was thinking about taking a look at De Chima tomorrow. Just to see what they got around there.
[Pennsylvania will definitely suit them better when the snow lets up, though. Less... heroic.]
If you, um... If you really wanna cook again, I could see about getting a lab together. RV's still the best for that, I think.
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[ Walt repeats, a smile tinging his lips at the nostalgia of it. Him and Jesse, driving off somewhere to cook -- reminiscent of their time in the past, the beginning of their partnership when everything was okay; when it was really just the two of them before everything else turned to shit. ]
I like the sound of that.
[ He claps Jesse on the shoulder, proud. ]
Let's get one and do this. We can do our own thing, Jesse. It'll be good. Just like it was when we had the RV back home. And hell if I'm not craving the escape for a few days.
[ Walt makes his way back to the couch, sinking onto it. ]
Do you mind if I stay here for the night?
[ Or day or whatever time it is. Walt is pretty exhausted after being chained up and tortured -- took a lot out of him. ]
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