[ Joel looks at Jesse again, meets his eyes for a moment, and glances away as he takes another sip of his beer. ]
Sometimes I think... heh. Quittin' the city and all that back there and just live the simple life. Like this. Been here a while, but... don't think I'll ever really get used to the city. All the noise and the people and whatnot. Don't gotta worry about anything out here.
[He doesn't think Joel's asking for his permission, but just in case. Jesse doesn't want to be the thing that's holding him back from something resembling a peaceful life. He's done that for too long already.]
[Jesse raises his chin slightly, understanding. It's not all that surprising, really, given Joel's reaction when they were reunited. Jesse doesn't know how to feel about it, though.
And it isn't Joel's fault. He loves Joel. He'd be happy to spend the rest of his days with Joel, out here in the woods, just the two of them.
But he worries about being the only person in Joel's world. He worries about what's going to happen when he inevitably disappears and Joel's left out here alone. If two weeks of Jesse's absence sent him into such a panic, what's forever going to look like?
Of course, he's getting ahead of himself. Thinking like a dead man when he isn't one anymore.
With his free hand, Jesse reaches out to give Joel's thigh an affectionate squeeze.]
[ He keeps his attention averted, Jesse's hand on his thigh making him feel more exposed than he's already made himself. Why did he even bring this up? And yet, Jesse's response causes a twinge of relief, and it's that relief that has Joel sneaking a glance at Jesse and then down at his hand on his leg. Joel looks away from Jesse again, but he moves his hand to rest on top of Jesse's with a small squeeze. ]
[This is about the point where the old Jesse would make some smartass remark to break the tension, ease up the atmosphere.
Instead, Jesse shifts closer, leaning until he's resting against Joel's side. He snuggles up there and turns his gaze to the fire. A silence falls over him and he drifts back inside himself. It's the only way to handle these waves of emotion that keep overtaking him. Everything is beautiful and terrifying, new and unfamiliar all at the same time. Something's missing but everything's right here, and he feels like he's in mourning but he's not sure who he's grieving.
If Joel looks at him again, he'll see tears in Jesse's eyes and a faint smile on his lips.]
[ Joel is expecting some kind of smartass remark. Perhaps he's even hoping for it because that's the Jesse he knows. He's not ungrateful for the solid warmth of Jesse huddling up against his side - it's cold, after all - but he finds himself caught in that uncomfortable, unsettling place again of realising how different things are now.
He takes his hand away from Jesse's but he lets Jesse stay right where he is, solid and warm against his side, and when he finally does glance sidelong at Jesse after a lull of silence, he doesn't miss the expression on Jesse's face or the tears brimmed in his eyes. That sends Joel into a further lull of silence, sipping his beer while staring pensively into the fire. A good several minutes passes before Joel speaks again. ]
Y'know, uh. Whatever happened... you'll learn to move on.
[That's what they always say, anyway. But Joel hasn't moved on from anything, not really. And Jesse isn't sure what "moving on" means, in his case. He already let go of everything in his life, by necessity. Stripped of his humanity in order to survive and work every day in the service of his enemies. He's lost everything to such an extent that there's a great big void where he used to be, too. They hollowed him out inside.
So Jesse would call himself the definition of "moving on", as he understands it. To hold nothing. To know everything here today will be gone tomorrow. Not just know it, but feel it, so that everything around him flows in and flows right back out. There's so much here and none of it's for the keeping.
Not even this. Not even Joel.]
I'm sorry everything's different now. I know it's not easy.
[ It's not your fault and It's okay and Nothin' you can do about it all cross his mind to say, but he doesn't know why everything is so different and a big part of him frankly, selfishly doesn't want to know. Joel knows only too well that there are some things that are simply better left unsaid, things that are better left untalked about, because it will cut too close to the bone and open old wounds otherwise. All he knows is that he's seen hundreds, thousands of people in his lifetime that became completely broken through losing everything, was one of those hundreds and thousands himself, and it's that exact same haunting and familiar brokenness that he's seeing in Jesse. ]
What matters is you're here.
[ It's almost matter-of-fact how Joel says this. Pointedly not wanting to address either Jesse's apology nor his remark about it not being easy. ]
You just gotta keep findin' something to fight for. That's how I survived. That's the only thing that kept me going.
[Even if it doesn't look like it. Because he hasn't sought revenge, because they're here together instead of hunting down Walter White, because Jesse can't seem to muster up any visible level of anger at all. Maybe it looks to everyone on the outside like he's standing still, like he's given up.
But that isn't the case at all. The fight is in his decision to hold back, to stop giving into bloodthirst and devoting himself to the things that really matter: the woods, this campfire, the man beside him. Would he risk losing all of this just to inflict a moment of pain upon Walter White?]
I'm fighting for us right now. To be here and not be scared of what could happen. It's what he'd want, for me to believe what happened to you and everybody else was my fault, for me to run away and run back to him, even if it's just to kill him.
He wants me to be miserable, so I'm fighting for my happiness.
[With that, he rests his chin on Joel's shoulder and gives him a little smile.]
[ It's not a response Joel expects. Fighting for happiness has never been an option for Joel, although... when it was him and Ellie and Jesse, and they had their little life together, that was probably the closest to happy Joel had been in years.
The mention of Walt stirs up a twist of sick and burning anger deep down in Joel's gut, accompanied with something that's been teetering right on the edge of panic every time he so much as glimpses a thought at the torture Walt put him through. He wants to say that he wants to kill Walt himself, over and over until there's nothing left of him. He buries it underneath a deep and deliberately steady sigh instead, glancing at Jesse when he feels Jesse's chin resting on his shoulder. In spite of himself, a small hint of a smile ghosts across his own face back at Jesse, which fades as quickly as it appears. ]
Okay.
[ So many things he could say instead. So many things he wants to say instead. But-- okay. What matters most right now is that Jesse isn't going to leave, that he wants to stay. Joel takes to staring at the fire for a long few moments before bringing his arm up around Jesse's shoulders. It's a manly, awkward kind of effort, complete with a hesitant manly squeeze and an equally manly pat on Jesse's arm. He lets his arm rest around Jesse's shoulders, then, though, while still staring at the crackling fire. ]
[Who does Joel think he's kidding? Certainly not Jesse, who sets his beer aside to free up his hands. He slips his arms around, encircling Joel at the waist, and hugs him tight. Nobody's out here watching them, no one judging or tracking their movements from the shadows. Enough of that shit.]
[ Jesse moving in closer and hugging him tight makes Joel shift and tense up a little - affection is something he's just not good at or particularly comfortable with - but he makes himself relent, even gives Jesse's shoulders another subtle squeeze of gratefulness in return. The question issues a small snort from him. He's relieved to have the conversation shift away from what they're talking about. ]
Heh. Gettin' a bit old to be climbing trees. Ain't exactly a spring chicken anymore.
[That's why he's doing it, of course: making Joel more comfortable. If he has to endure all this disgusting physical affection from Jesse, the topic of conversation should at least stay bearable.]
Nah, I ain't buying that. You're about ten times fitter than me. But okay, we'll have a cabin if you're gonna be all lazy about it.
[ A small shake of his head and a wry twist of his lips at Jesse's harmless insult. Ellie would agree with Jesse if she was here; she would argue that a treehouse is a much better idea. Joel almost says that, too, but stops himself just in time and pushes that thought away. ]
[ About to answer with dry humour, Joel sees the glimmer of tears in Jesse's eyes when he glances sidelong at him again. He doesn't know they might be tears of gladness or happiness; all he knows is they're tears, and for once, he doesn't berate Jesse for it. He says nothing while returning his attention to the campfire, watching the flames lick up along the logs and the smoke billowing thick into the cold evening air. Arm still around Jesse's shoulders, he gives Jesse's upper arm a gentle squeezing rub without really thinking about it.
He stays like that with Jesse for a short while but eventually, the silence, surprisingly comfortable though it is, starts stretching too long for Joel. ]
Well. [ He removes his arm from around Jesse's shoulders with intent to push himself to his feet. ] Dunno about you, but I'm about ready to eat. Brought us along a coupla big steaks - sound good to you?
[Is any of this ever going to stop being amazing? Because he feels like he just keeps bouncing from one miracle to the next. Jesse loosens his hold on Joel, but before he lets go completely, he leans in to sneak a kiss to Joel's jaw.]
[ He pulls away from the kiss, though it's a weak, maybe even slightly bashful protest as far as protests towards affection usually go with Joel. He climbs to his feet and steps over to the portable cooler where the food is stowed. For the next while, he sets up a makeshift grill over the campfire and grills the steaks. Joel is in his element out in nature and it shows, the way he cooks the food with a content silence, drinking his beer, sometimes looking up at the nightsky that's now filled with stars and just peacefully taking it all in.
He serves the steaks on plastic camping set plates, sits back down beside Jesse and pops open his third beer with his plate on his lap. ]
Maybe we should toast, huh? [ He holds his beer can up. ] To, uh... I dunno. What d'you think?
[Jesse's happy just to sit here and watch Joel. It might be the lag in his memories, but it seems like Joel's happier now than he's been ever since Ellie disappeared. And that makes Jesse so glad.
At the toast, Jesse picks up his beer and raises it in turn.]
[ A clink of his can against Jesse's, followed by a quick swig. He falls into that same comfortable silence as he tucks into his food, content to not talk much about anything while they eat. Right now, this is the happiest Joel has been since Ellie disappeared. He feels her absence, terribly - she's never far from his thoughts at any given time of the day - but right now, it's not hurting as much. ]
Mm. That's pretty damn good. [ Dropping a bone to the plate that he was eating meat from, he reaches for his beer again. He hasn't quite finished his meal but he sets his plate aside to take a small break. Stretching his legs out and crossing his feet ankle over ankle, he leans back against his hand while sipping his beer. ] So, what d'you wanna do tomorrow? We could go hiking. Or we could go fishing. [ Another sip of his beer. ] Heh. Pity we don't got a little boat or somethin'. Nothin' nicer than being out on the calm water. Somethin' we oughta think about getting, huh?
[Jesse's eating slowly, picking at the meat not because he doesn't like it but because he wants to savor it. He's only halfway through his meal when Joel brings up the boat, and he looks up with another smile.]
We'll get a boat, yeah. For tomorrow, though, um... I think a hike sounds nice. Find the highest spot we can find. The best view.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'd like that.
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Sometimes I think... heh. Quittin' the city and all that back there and just live the simple life. Like this. Been here a while, but... don't think I'll ever really get used to the city. All the noise and the people and whatnot. Don't gotta worry about anything out here.
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[He doesn't think Joel's asking for his permission, but just in case. Jesse doesn't want to be the thing that's holding him back from something resembling a peaceful life. He's done that for too long already.]
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I meant the two of us.
[ And, ah Jesus, the moment that's out of his mouth, he looks away from Jesse. That was a dumb thing to admit. ]
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And it isn't Joel's fault. He loves Joel. He'd be happy to spend the rest of his days with Joel, out here in the woods, just the two of them.
But he worries about being the only person in Joel's world. He worries about what's going to happen when he inevitably disappears and Joel's left out here alone. If two weeks of Jesse's absence sent him into such a panic, what's forever going to look like?
Of course, he's getting ahead of himself. Thinking like a dead man when he isn't one anymore.
With his free hand, Jesse reaches out to give Joel's thigh an affectionate squeeze.]
I'm with you wherever you wanna go.
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[ He keeps his attention averted, Jesse's hand on his thigh making him feel more exposed than he's already made himself. Why did he even bring this up? And yet, Jesse's response causes a twinge of relief, and it's that relief that has Joel sneaking a glance at Jesse and then down at his hand on his leg. Joel looks away from Jesse again, but he moves his hand to rest on top of Jesse's with a small squeeze. ]
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Instead, Jesse shifts closer, leaning until he's resting against Joel's side. He snuggles up there and turns his gaze to the fire. A silence falls over him and he drifts back inside himself. It's the only way to handle these waves of emotion that keep overtaking him. Everything is beautiful and terrifying, new and unfamiliar all at the same time. Something's missing but everything's right here, and he feels like he's in mourning but he's not sure who he's grieving.
If Joel looks at him again, he'll see tears in Jesse's eyes and a faint smile on his lips.]
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He takes his hand away from Jesse's but he lets Jesse stay right where he is, solid and warm against his side, and when he finally does glance sidelong at Jesse after a lull of silence, he doesn't miss the expression on Jesse's face or the tears brimmed in his eyes. That sends Joel into a further lull of silence, sipping his beer while staring pensively into the fire. A good several minutes passes before Joel speaks again. ]
Y'know, uh. Whatever happened... you'll learn to move on.
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[That's what they always say, anyway. But Joel hasn't moved on from anything, not really. And Jesse isn't sure what "moving on" means, in his case. He already let go of everything in his life, by necessity. Stripped of his humanity in order to survive and work every day in the service of his enemies. He's lost everything to such an extent that there's a great big void where he used to be, too. They hollowed him out inside.
So Jesse would call himself the definition of "moving on", as he understands it. To hold nothing. To know everything here today will be gone tomorrow. Not just know it, but feel it, so that everything around him flows in and flows right back out. There's so much here and none of it's for the keeping.
Not even this. Not even Joel.]
I'm sorry everything's different now. I know it's not easy.
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What matters is you're here.
[ It's almost matter-of-fact how Joel says this. Pointedly not wanting to address either Jesse's apology nor his remark about it not being easy. ]
You just gotta keep findin' something to fight for. That's how I survived. That's the only thing that kept me going.
[ Still keeps him going. ]
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[Even if it doesn't look like it. Because he hasn't sought revenge, because they're here together instead of hunting down Walter White, because Jesse can't seem to muster up any visible level of anger at all. Maybe it looks to everyone on the outside like he's standing still, like he's given up.
But that isn't the case at all. The fight is in his decision to hold back, to stop giving into bloodthirst and devoting himself to the things that really matter: the woods, this campfire, the man beside him. Would he risk losing all of this just to inflict a moment of pain upon Walter White?]
I'm fighting for us right now. To be here and not be scared of what could happen. It's what he'd want, for me to believe what happened to you and everybody else was my fault, for me to run away and run back to him, even if it's just to kill him.
He wants me to be miserable, so I'm fighting for my happiness.
[With that, he rests his chin on Joel's shoulder and gives him a little smile.]
And I am happy. I'm so happy to be here, Joel.
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The mention of Walt stirs up a twist of sick and burning anger deep down in Joel's gut, accompanied with something that's been teetering right on the edge of panic every time he so much as glimpses a thought at the torture Walt put him through. He wants to say that he wants to kill Walt himself, over and over until there's nothing left of him. He buries it underneath a deep and deliberately steady sigh instead, glancing at Jesse when he feels Jesse's chin resting on his shoulder. In spite of himself, a small hint of a smile ghosts across his own face back at Jesse, which fades as quickly as it appears. ]
Okay.
[ So many things he could say instead. So many things he wants to say instead. But-- okay. What matters most right now is that Jesse isn't going to leave, that he wants to stay. Joel takes to staring at the fire for a long few moments before bringing his arm up around Jesse's shoulders. It's a manly, awkward kind of effort, complete with a hesitant manly squeeze and an equally manly pat on Jesse's arm. He lets his arm rest around Jesse's shoulders, then, though, while still staring at the crackling fire. ]
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So are we building a cabin or a treehouse?
[If they're moving out here.]
I vote treehouse.
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Heh. Gettin' a bit old to be climbing trees. Ain't exactly a spring chicken anymore.
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Nah, I ain't buying that. You're about ten times fitter than me. But okay, we'll have a cabin if you're gonna be all lazy about it.
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That mean you're gonna help me build it?
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'course I'm gonna help you build it.
[Nevermind those eyes getting tearful again.]
Sorry if it falls apart, though.
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He stays like that with Jesse for a short while but eventually, the silence, surprisingly comfortable though it is, starts stretching too long for Joel. ]
Well. [ He removes his arm from around Jesse's shoulders with intent to push himself to his feet. ] Dunno about you, but I'm about ready to eat. Brought us along a coupla big steaks - sound good to you?
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[Is any of this ever going to stop being amazing? Because he feels like he just keeps bouncing from one miracle to the next. Jesse loosens his hold on Joel, but before he lets go completely, he leans in to sneak a kiss to Joel's jaw.]
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[ He pulls away from the kiss, though it's a weak, maybe even slightly bashful protest as far as protests towards affection usually go with Joel. He climbs to his feet and steps over to the portable cooler where the food is stowed. For the next while, he sets up a makeshift grill over the campfire and grills the steaks. Joel is in his element out in nature and it shows, the way he cooks the food with a content silence, drinking his beer, sometimes looking up at the nightsky that's now filled with stars and just peacefully taking it all in.
He serves the steaks on plastic camping set plates, sits back down beside Jesse and pops open his third beer with his plate on his lap. ]
Maybe we should toast, huh? [ He holds his beer can up. ] To, uh... I dunno. What d'you think?
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At the toast, Jesse picks up his beer and raises it in turn.]
To getting the hell outta Dodge.
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[ A clink of his can against Jesse's, followed by a quick swig. He falls into that same comfortable silence as he tucks into his food, content to not talk much about anything while they eat. Right now, this is the happiest Joel has been since Ellie disappeared. He feels her absence, terribly - she's never far from his thoughts at any given time of the day - but right now, it's not hurting as much. ]
Mm. That's pretty damn good. [ Dropping a bone to the plate that he was eating meat from, he reaches for his beer again. He hasn't quite finished his meal but he sets his plate aside to take a small break. Stretching his legs out and crossing his feet ankle over ankle, he leans back against his hand while sipping his beer. ] So, what d'you wanna do tomorrow? We could go hiking. Or we could go fishing. [ Another sip of his beer. ] Heh. Pity we don't got a little boat or somethin'. Nothin' nicer than being out on the calm water. Somethin' we oughta think about getting, huh?
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We'll get a boat, yeah. For tomorrow, though, um... I think a hike sounds nice. Find the highest spot we can find. The best view.
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That'll be a helluva long walk. Sure you'll be able to make it that far? 'Cause I ain't givin' you a piggyback ride or nothin'.
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[Joel ought to know by now, at least.]
More like I'll be carrying your geezer ass back to camp.
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