Lots of people also don't fall into the hands of a madman who wants to make them into a tool for doing his homicidal will. But honestly, Jesse...There's no use in comparing your situation to others'. What happened to you is horrible in a way that's unique to you. Looking to others, saying, oh they're better, oh they're worse -- that's easy, it's tempting, but it's not right. At least I think so. Coming to peace with who you are is about you, not anyone else.
But that's not how it works. Not really. Morality isn't arithmetic. Good and evil aren't arithmetic. You don't just do a good thing and have it balance out the bad, just like doing a bad thing doesn't wipe the good from the face of the earth. You should help people from love, because people deserve help, because they're warm and wonderful and curious and marvelous, because it is a pleasure to help someone, because to bring a smile to their face makes your own day worthwhile. Not to try to compensate. Because you can never compensate. You can never balance it, because there is no balancing.
No: Jesse, you ought to think of yourself as what you ARE. Which isn't some guilt-ridden sinner shambling about seeking redemption, but as a force of good in the world. Because you ARE. You're not your past actions. You're not your mistakes. Those are all behind you, and they shape you but they are not you. You are who you are now: a hundred thousand moments of potential stretching into the future, every one of them a possibility for making the world better and brighter and kinder. You're not a hole desperately trying to fill yourself in. You're a beacon.
Then DEFINITELY good. I'm glad of it. Though, you know...Obviously THAT is a bit too long to get tattooed, but what if you did get something? Abstract or something like that. I have some tattoos, abstract symbols, that remind me of certain things when I look at them - Jaime suggested that, a while back, and it's been really nice. You could get some symbol to remind yourself of your potential. Maybe my face looking stern or something. (Please don't get my face looking stern.)
That might be okay. The point of this sort of thing isn't to remember your hatred of him or your anger at him - or at yourself, for that matter. It's to remember that he was wrong. He used his power over you to make you miserable, and that continues to the present day. So...It'd be good to have something to look at to remember: he's powerless now. And he was very wrong.
I hope you do. I mean, and also this isn't meant to be a 'here's what you ought to do to feel better,' because I haven't got any clue if it'll actually help. I just know what I'd do. So if it's totally the wrong thing to do, if you'd sooner just forget about him and everything having to do with him, then don't take this as me pressuring you to take the Kitty Jones Path to Healing A Bit. Cause I don't know anything about the Jesse Pinkman Path, I just know a few nonspecific things about paths.
Come by my pub for a drink sometime, won't you? It sounds like you're carrying quite a lot of weight. And when that's the case, two things that can help are a pint or a listening ear, and I can provide one or both. As you like. (Alternatively, if you don't drink: tea. That ALWAYS makes things MUCH better.)
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What I did will never be OK but every second I'm alive is a second I took from somebody else and I need to make it worth it, my being here
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No: Jesse, you ought to think of yourself as what you ARE. Which isn't some guilt-ridden sinner shambling about seeking redemption, but as a force of good in the world. Because you ARE. You're not your past actions. You're not your mistakes. Those are all behind you, and they shape you but they are not you. You are who you are now: a hundred thousand moments of potential stretching into the future, every one of them a possibility for making the world better and brighter and kinder. You're not a hole desperately trying to fill yourself in. You're a beacon.
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I'm gonna have to print this out
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Oh, good. Though...Print it out in a 'this is good to read' way, right? Rather than a 'my god this girl is a nutter, look at this' way.
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Get it tattooed or something
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I don't know
Hard to think of a symbol
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Anyway were there any moments when that rat bastard 'teacher' of yours was particularly weak? When he was wrong or you saw him for what he really was?
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Maybe something a little less emotionally horrid.
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I mean
Those were the times I liked him
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I'll think about it
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Thanks Kitty
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Come by my pub for a drink sometime, won't you? It sounds like you're carrying quite a lot of weight. And when that's the case, two things that can help are a pint or a listening ear, and I can provide one or both. As you like. (Alternatively, if you don't drink: tea. That ALWAYS makes things MUCH better.)