[That response is light, conversational. Jesse's scars have been erased, all external signs of his mutilation invisible now, so he would hate to keep dwelling on the pain. Even if he doesn't intend to lie about it.]
Damn, that long, huh. And you didn't remember anything?
[He doesn't know why he bothers to ask, save for to make conversation, maybe. No one ever remembers. He didn't, the time he went back for an hour. It still kind of freaks him out, if he lets himself think about it too much.]
It's a nightmare, isn't it? Especially when you gotta go back and live through all the shit everybody warned you about.
[Again the delivery is breezy, though he sounds a bit fatigued, too. Mind-tired, soul-tired. Yes, everything would have been easier if he could have remembered.]
[There's...an uncomfortable pause, despite how casually Jesse delivers that remark. He himself doesn't know anything about his own future, except that some guy called Ryan comes to work for Apollon. Nothing particularly earthshattering. But dense as he can be sometimes, there's no missing the implication in his friend's words: he knew something terrible was going to happen in his future, and then he went back and lived it.]
--I'm sorry. If you wanna talk about it, or anything...
[It's probably a good thing he had put his drink down beforehand, or otherwise there'd be a pretty classic spittake right about now. He doesn't sound angry, or incredulous. One could almost think he was asking Jesse to repeat himself because he didn't hear what he said, that's how neutral his tone is in that first moment. He did, of course; it just didn't register. Jesse might as well have just said that he's actually a purple polka-dotted unicorn-penguin for all the sense it makes to him.]
Yeah. Not like, "Oh, I shoplifted once," kinda criminal, either. It's pretty bad. Um, America's Most Wanted level.
[Not that he got many TV-watching privileges back on the compound, but he wasn't deaf. He'd overhear the news reports occasionally down by the clubhouse, accompanied by the wild laughter of his captors.]
[There's such a long pause. Kotetsu's still staring at Jesse as if he's suddenly grown a second head. Denial doesn't even properly describe it right now; he literally can't comprehend the reality Jesse's just thrust into his lap.]
[He doesn't sound like he's joking, no. But it's Jesse. Jesse Pinkman who is so protective of the kids at Xavier's, who always appears at charity events and volunteers in hospitals to heal the critically injured and terminally ill, who tortures himself every time something goes wrong at a swear-in to save lives. Kotetsu just...can't. He can't reconcile that image of Jesse who saved his life, personally, who helped him with his nightmares after Crane's fear gas and has kept his secret and been so unfailingly kind with someone who would willingly hurt others. He honestly...can't even imagine Jesse as someone capable of it.]
...S-so what, you're some kinda like, Bond-like superspy or something?
[That would be criminal, wouldn't it? Sort of. At least, spies probably broke a lot of laws if they were anything like in the movies. Maybe Jesse's going to tell him that the whole pest control thing was something he made up and it's really something more like that.]
[It takes Jesse a moment to even follow Kotetsu's line of thought there. Superspy? What?]
No, I...
[Does he have to spell it out all ugly?]
Kotetsu, man, I'm telling you I'm the bad guy here. Lying, stealing, drug-dealing, murdering - I'm a hundred percent asshole, is what I'm saying. I committed so many felonies I couldn't even count 'em for you. If they ever catch me, I get the death penalty. That's what I mean when I say "criminal".
[Suddenly, the drink in front of him no longer looks particularly appealing, despite how dry his throat's just gone. He can barely hear Jesse above the thundering in his ears of that's impossible, and he clutches at the edge of the table to keep his hands from shaking.
What the hell is this, anyway? This random confession, it feels like that time when Freddie did that info leak and Jesse had wanted to resign from Xavier's, had gotten on Kotetsu's case for not wanting to read it. But he can't figure out why he's doing it this time. Why try to push him away during a reunion that started off happy? Why tell him at all, if it was true? Maverick and Lunatic had clung to their masks until it was torn away from them.]
You're bullshitting me. [He has to be. That's the only way any of this makes sense.]
I don't...I dunno what the hell you're even doing, unless you've got some kinda stupid idea in your head like you--like I'd get so fucked up knowing that you gotta make it sound like you deserved whatever awful thing happened, or like I wouldn't care as much if I thought you were a criminal, which isn't how it works, by the way, on either count.
[He in fact looks really upset right now, even. Possibly more upset than he would have been just knowing about the nazi meth slavery, honestly.]
[And he sounds angry, actually, that Kotetsu landed on that assumption before anything else. He's sick of everyone calling him a martyr, all the insinuations that he invites people to abuse him. He hates that everyone confuses his acts of charity for acts of self-flagellation, and that hurting himself for one cause must mean he wants to hurt himself for all of them.]
Nobody in the world deserves what happened to me. I wouldn't do it to my worst enemy.
I'm telling you the truth because none of it makes sense if you don't know that about me.
[The real anger in Jesse's voice quiets him, at least for the moment.
Then, more quietly:]
...None of what you're saying makes sense already.
[Jesse being the way he says he is is just...incompatible with reality as Kotetsu perceives it. He doesn't know how to accept it, and part of him just doesn't want to.]
[He's not about to sit here and walk Kotetsu through it when he's so clearly in denial. The truth is hard enough to get out of Jesse when it's not being actively resisted. He pulls out his wallet and lays a few bills on the counter for the drinks, preparing to leave.]
[He doesn't even know what he's trying to stop Jesse for, exactly, just that he's not ready to just drop this and pretend it never happened, even if it would be so much easier. He stands up abruptly, trying to catch Jesse by his sleeve before he walks away.]
...Why are you telling me all this now, if it's true? After all this time. No one's--Yuri got busted, first.
[Why come clean all of a sudden? Why not just lie to him until the bitter end?]
[When Kotetsu grabs at his arm, Jesse flinches reflexively and freezes in place. It's a heart-stopping moment, and there's a long silence before his frantic mind sorts itself out.]
'cause - 'cause I got nothing to lose, man.
[He's dead. Or - Well, a nicely-maintained walking corpse, whose soul was beaten out of him months before he even woke up back here. Jesse can't even form a coherent thought about what happens next. So why not come clean when the topic arose?]
[...What? Kotetsu lets go of Jesse's arm, though his own sort of hangs in midair for a couple moments before lowering to his side. He tries to read the expression on the other man's face, the man he's considered his best friend in this world for quite some time.]
Did you...die?
[Is that what happened, why this is happening? Is it because this world is the only life he has left?]
[How the fuck does one answer that question? Yes - No - Look, he was getting to it. Before the whole preoccupation with his profession.]
I died here. And then I went home, and something worse than dying happened to me. If you're the kinda person who likes hearing about bad guys getting what they deserve, I got plenty of stories for you.
Except for the guy who killed me. He got everything he wanted.
You were--but Saul said--[Well, that does explain why the other man was so sure Jesse would be back. Kotetsu goes silent for a bit, jaw a little slack.]
Shit. [He lets out a little breath, helplessly.] Look, you're not--I don't...
[Okay, these sentence fragments really need to stop, this is getting ridiculous. He cards a hand through his hair, and--lord, why didn't he get more drunk before this happened, he's entirely too aware of everything around him and he doesn't know how to deal with any of it.]
I don't like it when awful shit happens to anyone, okay? And--didn't I just get done telling you before that I wouldn't care less or think you deserved it if you were a criminal?
[Another little breath. At least he's getting a little calmer. He thinks. His hands are still shaking slightly; he shoves them in his pockets.]
You oughta report it. To the police, or...RISE, at least.
Edited (whoops i realized that was a super dumb question) 2016-02-27 23:51 (UTC)
[Oh, he wasn't referring to himself in that collection of people who got what was coming to them. But he lets it slide, because no way is Kotetsu actually going to enjoy hearing about Jesse squeezing the life out of the guy who did all this to him.]
Why would I? I don't need no police or RISE to handle my shit for me.
'Cause if someone dangerous like that's still around, people oughta know so they can try to keep 'emselves safe. Plus, we could bring 'em in and that'd be at least four months they couldn't hurt anybody, even if that's not much.
[He lowers himself back down to his seat, taking a drink of his no-longer-celebratory whiskey.]
...So you're, you're building up a new life now, here. That's why you're telling me? To start over?
[He's still confused, still has entirely too many questions, but at least Jesse's convinced him that this is true. The mention of his own murder drained out the last of his denial, really. No one would make something like that up.]
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So how've things been? You went home, right?
[you have a beard now 8|a]
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[That response is light, conversational. Jesse's scars have been erased, all external signs of his mutilation invisible now, so he would hate to keep dwelling on the pain. Even if he doesn't intend to lie about it.]
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[He doesn't know why he bothers to ask, save for to make conversation, maybe. No one ever remembers. He didn't, the time he went back for an hour. It still kind of freaks him out, if he lets himself think about it too much.]
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[Again the delivery is breezy, though he sounds a bit fatigued, too. Mind-tired, soul-tired. Yes, everything would have been easier if he could have remembered.]
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--I'm sorry. If you wanna talk about it, or anything...
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I appreciate the offer and all, but it's pretty fucking heavy. I don't wanna ruin your day with this bullshit.
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[Ah, there's their alcohol. Just in time. He takes a drink, buying himself a few moments of time.]
You've been there for me before. I wanna be able to do the same for you.
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I... should probably tell you I'm a criminal.
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[It's probably a good thing he had put his drink down beforehand, or otherwise there'd be a pretty classic spittake right about now. He doesn't sound angry, or incredulous. One could almost think he was asking Jesse to repeat himself because he didn't hear what he said, that's how neutral his tone is in that first moment. He did, of course; it just didn't register. Jesse might as well have just said that he's actually a purple polka-dotted unicorn-penguin for all the sense it makes to him.]
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[Not that he got many TV-watching privileges back on the compound, but he wasn't deaf. He'd overhear the news reports occasionally down by the clubhouse, accompanied by the wild laughter of his captors.]
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You can't possibly be serious.
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[Oh, look. His second whiskey's here. He shoots it down and nudges the glass forward for another refill.]
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...S-so what, you're some kinda like, Bond-like superspy or something?
[That would be criminal, wouldn't it? Sort of. At least, spies probably broke a lot of laws if they were anything like in the movies. Maybe Jesse's going to tell him that the whole pest control thing was something he made up and it's really something more like that.]
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No, I...
[Does he have to spell it out all ugly?]
Kotetsu, man, I'm telling you I'm the bad guy here. Lying, stealing, drug-dealing, murdering - I'm a hundred percent asshole, is what I'm saying. I committed so many felonies I couldn't even count 'em for you. If they ever catch me, I get the death penalty. That's what I mean when I say "criminal".
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What the hell is this, anyway? This random confession, it feels like that time when Freddie did that info leak and Jesse had wanted to resign from Xavier's, had gotten on Kotetsu's case for not wanting to read it. But he can't figure out why he's doing it this time. Why try to push him away during a reunion that started off happy? Why tell him at all, if it was true? Maverick and Lunatic had clung to their masks until it was torn away from them.]
You're bullshitting me. [He has to be. That's the only way any of this makes sense.]
I don't...I dunno what the hell you're even doing, unless you've got some kinda stupid idea in your head like you--like I'd get so fucked up knowing that you gotta make it sound like you deserved whatever awful thing happened, or like I wouldn't care as much if I thought you were a criminal, which isn't how it works, by the way, on either count.
[He in fact looks really upset right now, even. Possibly more upset than he would have been just knowing about the nazi meth slavery, honestly.]
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[And he sounds angry, actually, that Kotetsu landed on that assumption before anything else. He's sick of everyone calling him a martyr, all the insinuations that he invites people to abuse him. He hates that everyone confuses his acts of charity for acts of self-flagellation, and that hurting himself for one cause must mean he wants to hurt himself for all of them.]
Nobody in the world deserves what happened to me. I wouldn't do it to my worst enemy.
I'm telling you the truth because none of it makes sense if you don't know that about me.
this is so late i'm so sorry
Then, more quietly:]
...None of what you're saying makes sense already.
[Jesse being the way he says he is is just...incompatible with reality as Kotetsu perceives it. He doesn't know how to accept it, and part of him just doesn't want to.]
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[He's not about to sit here and walk Kotetsu through it when he's so clearly in denial. The truth is hard enough to get out of Jesse when it's not being actively resisted. He pulls out his wallet and lays a few bills on the counter for the drinks, preparing to leave.]
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[He doesn't even know what he's trying to stop Jesse for, exactly, just that he's not ready to just drop this and pretend it never happened, even if it would be so much easier. He stands up abruptly, trying to catch Jesse by his sleeve before he walks away.]
...Why are you telling me all this now, if it's true? After all this time. No one's--Yuri got busted, first.
[Why come clean all of a sudden? Why not just lie to him until the bitter end?]
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'cause - 'cause I got nothing to lose, man.
[He's dead. Or - Well, a nicely-maintained walking corpse, whose soul was beaten out of him months before he even woke up back here. Jesse can't even form a coherent thought about what happens next. So why not come clean when the topic arose?]
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Did you...die?
[Is that what happened, why this is happening? Is it because this world is the only life he has left?]
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I died here. And then I went home, and something worse than dying happened to me. If you're the kinda person who likes hearing about bad guys getting what they deserve, I got plenty of stories for you.
Except for the guy who killed me. He got everything he wanted.
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How does one even begin to react to all that?]
You were--but Saul said--[Well, that does explain why the other man was so sure Jesse would be back. Kotetsu goes silent for a bit, jaw a little slack.]
Shit. [He lets out a little breath, helplessly.] Look, you're not--I don't...
[Okay, these sentence fragments really need to stop, this is getting ridiculous. He cards a hand through his hair, and--lord, why didn't he get more drunk before this happened, he's entirely too aware of everything around him and he doesn't know how to deal with any of it.]
I don't like it when awful shit happens to anyone, okay? And--didn't I just get done telling you before that I wouldn't care less or think you deserved it if you were a criminal?
[Another little breath. At least he's getting a little calmer. He thinks. His hands are still shaking slightly; he shoves them in his pockets.]
You oughta report it. To the police, or...RISE, at least.
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Why would I? I don't need no police or RISE to handle my shit for me.
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[He lowers himself back down to his seat, taking a drink of his no-longer-celebratory whiskey.]
...So you're, you're building up a new life now, here. That's why you're telling me? To start over?
[He's still confused, still has entirely too many questions, but at least Jesse's convinced him that this is true. The mention of his own murder drained out the last of his denial, really. No one would make something like that up.]
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gently dusts this thread off
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