I only ever saved one life. One. And I shoulda never done it. You see it, can't you? Can't you see it all in my head? Don't you know all of it by now? I ruin everything.
[He's been trying to keep his voice down, but it's on the rise anyway, until that last sentence when it breaks and trembles. He stops then, folding his hands and pressing his knuckles to his mouth as if he's in supplication to some higher power. There's no prayer on his mind, though. Just the unvoiced desire to be left alone, to never be used again for good or evil, to disappear the way he's meant to.]
You don't get to decide that the one life you saved is somehow less than the lives that have ended because of your decisions.
What about the little boy? The little red haired boy-- you think about him sometimes, I've seen it. Do you think he would be alive if you hadn't done what you did that day? Do you really think he would have survived the conditions he was living in?
Or Rue. Who would she have trusted in the Port if it hadn't been you? One of the homicidal Newcomers? What would have happened to her then? By the time I left the Port, most of the responsible adults that might have looked after her were gone long before you were.
Lisbeth loves you, and you're wrong about someone better loving her, because no one else has. I know, because I've seen that too. Maybe someone else would love her some day, but it would never make her as happy as you loving her does.
I've seen you on the Network all the time talking to children, helping people-- and maybe that's just to make yourself feel better, but you can't decide to erase yourself and take away all the good you've done just because the bad seems bigger!
If you don't want to be used by anyone, then don't let them use you. Deciding you can fix all your mistakes by making sure you don't exist to make them is selfish.
[That reply is shaky, unsure. His thoughts have been with Drew Sharp, with Gale Boetticher, with Jane. Anyone could do something kind like take a neglected child away from a terrible home, or help a little girl find her way to a safe place. What if Lisbeth had met someone else that night in the club, someone who wasn't an addict and could love her more than drugs? Anyone here could bake cookies, could build furniture, could welcome people.
But no one else would have come up with the plan to rob a train that day out in the dark territory. No one else stood in Gale's doorway that night with a pistol in hand. No one else was with Jane in his bed as they shot their very last dose of heroin, swearing up and down they'd kick tomorrow.]
The people I killed? They got no chance if I'm there.
[Her expression softens slightly - not enough to make it seem like she isn't necessarily angry, but there's some level of empathy there.]
Jesse, [Her tone doesn't sound angry, either.] If the man was involved in the kind of work you do, he would have died at some point too. You not being in the world doesn't mean he would survive. And Jane-- she was an addict. It wasn't your fault she died.
[She can't say much for the child. It's sad that he died, but she doesn't believe the child is worth more than the good he's done.]
[It's impossible for him to accept that. No one except Walter White wanted Gale dead. Gus probably loved the guy since he seemed quiet, like he'd take orders good. Mike and Victor both worked hard to save him. And no one else knew Gale existed in the criminal underworld. Everyone dies eventually but Gale wouldn't have died like that, begging for his life only to be shot point-blank, brains splattered all over the carpet.
And Jane... Jane was in recovery. She would've stayed that way if she never met Jesse. Then the planes would never have crashed, over two hundred strangers would still be alive, and Jane's dad wouldn't have shot himself.
The more Jesse thinks about it, the sicker he feels. What's he even doing here? How's he even gone on this long, living like a regular person, putting a smile on his face and helping people out?]
I'm sorry... I can't. It's never gonna be okay 'til I put it right.
It's never going to be okay because you refuse to live with it.
[It comes a little too quickly, a little more sharply than she means for it to. But she still means it. The way she sees it, the reason Jesse is so addicted to the drugs - to some extent, anyway - is because they're better than living for him.
Maybe Gale would have lived. Maybe he never would have been found out, somehow. And maybe Jane wouldn't have died.]
If you don't want to live, then don't. There is no shame in not living.
[She truly believes that. Sometimes it's kinder not to be alive, and maybe that's the case for Jesse. She's known people that, she's sure, have probably done worse things with their lives, and they've kept on living just fine - but it doesn't mean it's something that Jesse can live with. But...]
But deciding to change the lives of others in the way that you intend to is much crueler than killing people.
If you don't tell Lisbeth what you plan to do, then I will.
[He doesn't see things the way Nill does. It's just too hard for him to imagine that the world is better with him in it, when he can look back and clearly see how he's made it that much worse. He could kill himself, easy, but that wouldn't fix the problem. And that's why he hasn't, though the urge is always there - especially when he doesn't have the meth to wipe away his depression.]
I'm not the one responsible for hurting her. If you're going to change the past then you need to be prepared to deal with the consequences of it. Changing the past probably won't fix this timeline at all-- it will just create a reality where the things you were connected to didn't happen.
[In a way, she knows it's going to hurt Lisbeth. She knows that there's no real reason to tell Lisbeth, because it will only bring her suffering. If things go the way Jesse wants then Nill might be wrong, and maybe Lisbeth won't remember.
But if that's the case, then she doesn't want Jesse to get off scott free for doing something like this. She absolutely refuses to let him do this without consequences. If it comes to it she'd kill him herself if it meant leaving her memories in tact, because too many people have tampered with them in the past, and she's not going to let someone like Jesse the drug addict take Dave away from her.]
Lisbeth deserves to know if someone is going to change her life, and she deserves to have a say, even if you decide not to listen to her.
[There's not a word of that that Jesse actually disagrees with. He already experimented with one timeline by blowing up the railroad in Black Rock and failed to change the outcome of his own life. But all that's proven is that the world they're in isn't the same as his Earth. Once they've repaired the Transporter enough to access other worlds the way it was meant to, then he can repeat the experiment. It's hard to tell how it all works, but what he does know for sure is their actions in the past change this reality, and he doesn't see why that wouldn't apply to other worlds, too.
But that's only the science of it. When it comes down to right or wrong, he doesn't know how to weigh the wrongness of changing Nill's life or Lisbeth's life without their consent versus the wrongness of committing murder in the first place. He guesses that's just another sign of how awful he really is, that he can't tell who deserves justice more. He continues to hurt people either way. Maybe he always will, as long as he's here on Earth. Nill's right that he should face the consequences. It's just... he won't be the one facing them. Lisbeth will. He's already feeling the pain of knowing that he's going to lose everything. What's going to change, when Nill tells Lisbeth, is Lisbeth's going to feel that pain, too. What kind of justice is that?
Well, he doesn't have anything else to say about it. The thoughts swirl around in his head but he's silent as he was in court when he was awaiting the judge's verdict. Nill's going to do what she's going to do.]
[His logic isn't exactly faulty. It makes a lot of sense that this isn't the future of his world specifically. But it makes things harder, because it means he's toying with the lives of people from multiple worlds. Multiple outcomes. She thinks Dave would be throwing a fit over Jesse's carelessness, if he were actually here to do it. She has no idea about the other Dave.
Jesse is talking to the wrong person if he wants to know about what would be the right justice, though. Nill has known too many people too many times who don't care about things like justice, and some that don't even care about right and wrong. Her ideas of right outrank justice a million to one, and it isn't right to change her and Lisbeth's lives.
Nill is selfish. Justice has very little to do with anything.]
Tell me now if you plan on telling Lisbeth. I don't want to wait on this any longer.
[The judge's verdict this time, unfair as it might be, is show no mercy.]
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no subject
[He's been trying to keep his voice down, but it's on the rise anyway, until that last sentence when it breaks and trembles. He stops then, folding his hands and pressing his knuckles to his mouth as if he's in supplication to some higher power. There's no prayer on his mind, though. Just the unvoiced desire to be left alone, to never be used again for good or evil, to disappear the way he's meant to.]
no subject
What about the little boy? The little red haired boy-- you think about him sometimes, I've seen it. Do you think he would be alive if you hadn't done what you did that day? Do you really think he would have survived the conditions he was living in?
Or Rue. Who would she have trusted in the Port if it hadn't been you? One of the homicidal Newcomers? What would have happened to her then? By the time I left the Port, most of the responsible adults that might have looked after her were gone long before you were.
Lisbeth loves you, and you're wrong about someone better loving her, because no one else has. I know, because I've seen that too. Maybe someone else would love her some day, but it would never make her as happy as you loving her does.
I've seen you on the Network all the time talking to children, helping people-- and maybe that's just to make yourself feel better, but you can't decide to erase yourself and take away all the good you've done just because the bad seems bigger!
If you don't want to be used by anyone, then don't let them use you. Deciding you can fix all your mistakes by making sure you don't exist to make them is selfish.
no subject
[That reply is shaky, unsure. His thoughts have been with Drew Sharp, with Gale Boetticher, with Jane. Anyone could do something kind like take a neglected child away from a terrible home, or help a little girl find her way to a safe place. What if Lisbeth had met someone else that night in the club, someone who wasn't an addict and could love her more than drugs? Anyone here could bake cookies, could build furniture, could welcome people.
But no one else would have come up with the plan to rob a train that day out in the dark territory. No one else stood in Gale's doorway that night with a pistol in hand. No one else was with Jane in his bed as they shot their very last dose of heroin, swearing up and down they'd kick tomorrow.]
The people I killed? They got no chance if I'm there.
no subject
Jesse, [Her tone doesn't sound angry, either.] If the man was involved in the kind of work you do, he would have died at some point too. You not being in the world doesn't mean he would survive. And Jane-- she was an addict. It wasn't your fault she died.
[She can't say much for the child. It's sad that he died, but she doesn't believe the child is worth more than the good he's done.]
no subject
And Jane... Jane was in recovery. She would've stayed that way if she never met Jesse. Then the planes would never have crashed, over two hundred strangers would still be alive, and Jane's dad wouldn't have shot himself.
The more Jesse thinks about it, the sicker he feels. What's he even doing here? How's he even gone on this long, living like a regular person, putting a smile on his face and helping people out?]
I'm sorry... I can't. It's never gonna be okay 'til I put it right.
no subject
[It comes a little too quickly, a little more sharply than she means for it to. But she still means it. The way she sees it, the reason Jesse is so addicted to the drugs - to some extent, anyway - is because they're better than living for him.
Maybe Gale would have lived. Maybe he never would have been found out, somehow. And maybe Jane wouldn't have died.]
If you don't want to live, then don't. There is no shame in not living.
[She truly believes that. Sometimes it's kinder not to be alive, and maybe that's the case for Jesse. She's known people that, she's sure, have probably done worse things with their lives, and they've kept on living just fine - but it doesn't mean it's something that Jesse can live with. But...]
But deciding to change the lives of others in the way that you intend to is much crueler than killing people.
If you don't tell Lisbeth what you plan to do, then I will.
no subject
If you tell her, you're only gonna hurt her.
no subject
[In a way, she knows it's going to hurt Lisbeth. She knows that there's no real reason to tell Lisbeth, because it will only bring her suffering. If things go the way Jesse wants then Nill might be wrong, and maybe Lisbeth won't remember.
But if that's the case, then she doesn't want Jesse to get off scott free for doing something like this. She absolutely refuses to let him do this without consequences. If it comes to it she'd kill him herself if it meant leaving her memories in tact, because too many people have tampered with them in the past, and she's not going to let someone like Jesse the drug addict take Dave away from her.]
Lisbeth deserves to know if someone is going to change her life, and she deserves to have a say, even if you decide not to listen to her.
no subject
But that's only the science of it. When it comes down to right or wrong, he doesn't know how to weigh the wrongness of changing Nill's life or Lisbeth's life without their consent versus the wrongness of committing murder in the first place. He guesses that's just another sign of how awful he really is, that he can't tell who deserves justice more. He continues to hurt people either way. Maybe he always will, as long as he's here on Earth. Nill's right that he should face the consequences. It's just... he won't be the one facing them. Lisbeth will. He's already feeling the pain of knowing that he's going to lose everything. What's going to change, when Nill tells Lisbeth, is Lisbeth's going to feel that pain, too. What kind of justice is that?
Well, he doesn't have anything else to say about it. The thoughts swirl around in his head but he's silent as he was in court when he was awaiting the judge's verdict. Nill's going to do what she's going to do.]
no subject
Jesse is talking to the wrong person if he wants to know about what would be the right justice, though. Nill has known too many people too many times who don't care about things like justice, and some that don't even care about right and wrong. Her ideas of right outrank justice a million to one, and it isn't right to change her and Lisbeth's lives.
Nill is selfish. Justice has very little to do with anything.]
Tell me now if you plan on telling Lisbeth. I don't want to wait on this any longer.
[The judge's verdict this time, unfair as it might be, is show no mercy.]
no subject
[The pain of knowing is so much worse than ignorance.]
no subject
She doesn't bother trying to say anything else. After that, she just turns and heads for the door.]