[It's taken Lisbeth almost two weeks to swallow her pride about it all. She's taken that time to really think about how she felt. Was she angry with Saul? No. He didn't do anything wrong. With Steph? No, she got dragged into this mess.
Had she even been mad with Jesse? No.
Lisbeth is mad at herself for being so insensitive. When his attitude took a downturn, she reacted in a way that made her turn to her work. She thought he was having another episode and that thought was selfish. She's not used to admitting she is.
When she walks into the apartment, Lisbeth drops her bag on the couch.]
[Jesse isn't mad at Lisbeth. To him, it's a relief that she wasn't around to see the worst of it, to see him snap and break and then wither the way he has been since things came to a... well, not a resolution. He has to take things on faith, so nothing is resolved. He holds weakly to the belief that Mr. White is gone and not out there waiting to strike, and that Saul hasn't betrayed him, and that Steph will be there to help him if something goes down. He has to hold onto these things, because the alternative is too much to bear.
Lisbeth draws him out of his misery, if only temporarily. A light comes to life in his eyes when he looks at her, as he does right now, from his place on the other end of the couch.]
[Lisbeth walks over to Jesse on the other end and gives him a quick kiss. She sits on the edge of the couch, next to his side, and rests her arm across the back. Her other arm rests across her lap as she idly thumbs the hem of Jesse's shirt.]
[Lisbeth was used to being the one who received a comment like that. She takes Jesse's hand and holds it between hers as if she could warm them up. Her hands weren't going to do anything so she puts his hand in the crook of her neck. Lisbeth tilts her head slightly to loosely hold his hand between her jaw and shoulderblade.
As she does, she looks down at him. Now would be a good time as any for what she wanted to say, but how could she lead into it? There are a few things about Lisbeth that are different compared to so long ago, but her tact when it came to speaking was still the same as ever.]
[He doesn't mind his hand being cold, but of course he doesn't mind her warming it. His fingers gently stroke her skin, and at her apology, his expression shifts from soft fondness to bewilderment.]
I thought you started using again when you started getting so paranoid about every little thing. So I just... [She shrugs, almost ashamed to even admit it.]
So I started working more just to... [Ignore it. She hates it, she hates that that was why she spent time away from the apartment almost all day.]
[Jesse hadn't even thought about what Lisbeth must have assumed was going on with him. Being abandoned is just... normal. That's normal life for him. No one wants to deal with him, whether he's using or not, and he understands that, because he knows that's a thing that he does to people. He exhausts them, he hurts them, and they don't want to look at him or think about him or speak to him. Ignoring it, yes. That's what's best, when it comes to him.
And the way she's putting it, he wants to argue. Something about the phrasing makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't want this to be because of Mr. White. Because it's not like he misses Mr. White. He doesn't. That can't be what's going on and he doesn't want Lisbeth thinking like it is. The idea of it makes him feel sick and afraid.]
No. No, you don't have to be sorry. I'm detoxing, is what it is, so... I mean, that's the real thing. It's not anybody's fault. And, I mean, you should be working.
[And the way Jesse addresses it helps Lisbeth see a little more clearly why she was apologizing exactly. She wasn't apologizing for being insensitive or being disinterested in what was going on with Jesse. She could have pressed further about the Walter issue since that's what Saul told her, but that seemed so trivial for her to harp on right now.]
No. I'm sorry for abandoning you. It doesn't matter what's causing it, I shouldn't have... [She's running out of words; Lisbeth doesn't know how to properly word this so she says it in the easiest terms she knows.]
[Jesse turns so that he's facing her more fully, cupping her cheek in the palm of his hand while he stares right into her eyes. Insisting:]
I know you love me. And it's okay. Don't... Don't feel guilty about this, okay? About what's going on with me, because - because it's not about anything you did, or didn't do, or...
I mean, it's my fault. Being like this. It's not your job to take care of me or look out for me. I don't ever want you feeling trapped here, with me. I get it, that sometimes you just gotta get away from me. I get it. And I know you still love me.
[At this close distance, Lisbeth stares back into his eyes. She's never felt more insecure than when it comes to loving him. She wasn't insecure about her feelings; she was insecure about whether Jesse felt loved or not. He's extremely important to her and she wouldn't let anything - or anyone - sway her in a different way. Lisbeth leans her face into Jesse's hand.]
[He doesn't even know what he's trying to say. It just seems better for her when she's away from him. The way everything is better for Andrea and Brock without him.]
I like it when you're getting stuff done. I don't wanna be the one that's stopping you.
[Their contrasting ideas of what this relationship should be would always exist. Lisbeth felt she needed to be by his side constantly, Jesse felt that was a danger to her. It's not the first time they came to an impasse with this discussion. It happened all the time. She reaches up and gently touches his chin with her finger.]
[It was strange to have someone else so invested in what she was doing. Well, there was that one time Mikael seemed to marvel at it, but that was neither here nor there. She reaches forward and kisses the corner of Jesse's mouth.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Had she even been mad with Jesse? No.
Lisbeth is mad at herself for being so insensitive. When his attitude took a downturn, she reacted in a way that made her turn to her work. She thought he was having another episode and that thought was selfish. She's not used to admitting she is.
When she walks into the apartment, Lisbeth drops her bag on the couch.]
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Lisbeth draws him out of his misery, if only temporarily. A light comes to life in his eyes when he looks at her, as he does right now, from his place on the other end of the couch.]
Hey.
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[Lisbeth walks over to Jesse on the other end and gives him a quick kiss. She sits on the edge of the couch, next to his side, and rests her arm across the back. Her other arm rests across her lap as she idly thumbs the hem of Jesse's shirt.]
How was your day?
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It's good now.
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[Lisbeth was used to being the one who received a comment like that. She takes Jesse's hand and holds it between hers as if she could warm them up. Her hands weren't going to do anything so she puts his hand in the crook of her neck. Lisbeth tilts her head slightly to loosely hold his hand between her jaw and shoulderblade.
As she does, she looks down at him. Now would be a good time as any for what she wanted to say, but how could she lead into it? There are a few things about Lisbeth that are different compared to so long ago, but her tact when it came to speaking was still the same as ever.]
I'm sorry.
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What? Why?
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So I started working more just to... [Ignore it. She hates it, she hates that that was why she spent time away from the apartment almost all day.]
I didn't know it was because of whatshisname.
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And the way she's putting it, he wants to argue. Something about the phrasing makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't want this to be because of Mr. White. Because it's not like he misses Mr. White. He doesn't. That can't be what's going on and he doesn't want Lisbeth thinking like it is. The idea of it makes him feel sick and afraid.]
No. No, you don't have to be sorry. I'm detoxing, is what it is, so... I mean, that's the real thing. It's not anybody's fault. And, I mean, you should be working.
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No. I'm sorry for abandoning you. It doesn't matter what's causing it, I shouldn't have... [She's running out of words; Lisbeth doesn't know how to properly word this so she says it in the easiest terms she knows.]
I love you and what I did wasn't loving you.
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I know you love me. And it's okay. Don't... Don't feel guilty about this, okay? About what's going on with me, because - because it's not about anything you did, or didn't do, or...
I mean, it's my fault. Being like this. It's not your job to take care of me or look out for me. I don't ever want you feeling trapped here, with me. I get it, that sometimes you just gotta get away from me. I get it. And I know you still love me.
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But I want to look out for you.
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[He doesn't even know what he's trying to say. It just seems better for her when she's away from him. The way everything is better for Andrea and Brock without him.]
I like it when you're getting stuff done. I don't wanna be the one that's stopping you.
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You can't tell me you find computer science sexy.
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[Is he joking? Is he not? Well, at least he's smiling again.]
Seriously, the best thing is just... just knowing you're doing good. Don't let me drag you down, 'cause I love it when you're kicking ass.
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