[He's nodding at first, figuring he'll go along with Steph to arm up, but then that second thing confuses him for a number of reasons. Chief among them: why can't Ellie (either Ellie, really) grab a rifle for herself?]
[What a horrible feeling. Worse, even, than losing Saul. There's a difference between a grown man - someone equally as morally repugnant as Jesse, too - being M.I.A. after a battle, and this: Ellie, who is young and afraid and has been tortured enough already, being drawn straight into the enemy's hands while none of them noticed.
Jesse sucks in a breath, the same way he would if someone just twisted a knife in his gut.]
[She'd been trying so hard to keep it together, even if she wasn't doing a great job of it, but the way Jesse reacts to that news just undoes everything.]
I'm gonna get her back.
[Her voice cracks, and she has to bite her lip to stop it from trembling. She's so sick of crying.]
[Jesse's natural urge is to hug her, and he gives in to that, moving to tentatively put an arm around her shoulders. Light enough that she can push him away if she wants to. But he kind of needs that hug, himself.]
[She doesn't think of pushing him away. Instead, she winds her arms around his waist and grips the fabric of his shirt. The reassurance helps a little, but she's scared all over again, with the guilt that she can't seem to shake off, these days.]
What am I gonna do if they hurt her?
[She knows he doesn't have an answer to that, but she desperately wants him to.]
[Jesse tightens his hold on her, and though it's in his nature to fall to pieces right about now, he manages to stay strong. For Steph, for Ellie, for Saul. He can cry about this later, when every other option has been exhausted, if he's still alive by that point. He holds Steph like he intends to support her in every way, and she can be the one to fall apart if she needs to, in this moment while they have nothing to do but wait anyway.]
They'll pay. If they hurt her, they'll pay for it.
[And he intends to personally burn the U.E. to the ground, or die trying, if they do to Ellie and Saul what they did to Adam. But even though his voice sounds raspy and murderous when he says that, he's stroking Steph's back with a tenderness that's in sharp contrast. What he really wants right now is just to make her feel better. Maybe vengeance won't even be necessary, if they carry out the rescue without a hitch.]
[It isn't doing her any good to think about this right now. Instead, Jesse shifts slightly, still keeping an arm around her, but trying to lead her gently out of the kitchen.]
Come on. Lie down for a couple minutes 'til the sugar rush kicks in, okay? We're gonna do a lotta running around soon.
[But the protest is weak, and she's moving where led, because all she wants to do is curl up somewhere and pretend like everything hasn't gone to shit.]
[She'll get all of nothing done if she faints or breaks down or something. He takes her to his bedroom, which is a lot cleaner than it was a week ago but still reeks of cigarette smoke. The bed, however, is a lot more comfortable than the couch out in the living room. He lets go of her briefly to fix the blankets for her, then returns to her, pressing his hand to the small of her back to ease her forward.]
[Awkward. Not really a conversation that feels appropriate when she's trying to relax on his bed. Jesse Pinkman is a gentleman, okay. He's not even going to sit. He's just going to stand here, wringing his hands.]
Yeah, she, um... Lisbeth does what she wants. She doesn't really care what anybody thinks about it.
[He hadn't really thought about it. Maybe stand here and stare at the door, waiting for someone to come and try to kill them. But that sounds a little crazy, even given the circumstances.]
The next thought that occurs to her is really stupid. Like, definitely up there with thinking that enacting one of Bruce's war game scenarios was a good idea. But she's exhausted and upset and one of the reasons she hasn't slept since Ellie left is because she's gotten so used to sharing her bed with someone. And she trusts Jesse, as much as the logical part of her brain tells her she shouldn't.
So it's really stupid, and she knows that, but she asks anyway.]
[That surprises him. He thought she was prompting him to get out of the room. He looks at her for a second like he's worried he misheard her, but he's pretty sure he didn't, so he steps closer.]
You don't have to. I just-- [what? she isn't sure what to say.] Sorry. It's okay.
[If he'd rather... not because it isn't like they're friends. They just have some strange sort of strange truce, a mutual understanding of how much they love Saul.]
[It's not as if Jesse wants to be alone. He hates being alone. Especially right now, when he can feel the urge to just give in and get high nagging at him, because if he just takes a bump then he'll be fearless and strong and he can go into battle without a care for his own survival. Being alone is the worst in times like these.
So if she wants him to stay - even if she's suddenly getting shy about it - he's alright with that. He sinks onto the bed next to her and puts his arms around her again, either sensing intuitively what she was asking for or projecting his own wants. Maybe he's wrong, but she'll hit him if he is, and he'll let go.]
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- Wait, what?
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Ellie left, my Ellie. [She tries a rueful smile, but it falls flat] I didn't realize something was wrong until it was too late to go after her.
[By a few days.
She just let her walk away.]
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Jesse sucks in a breath, the same way he would if someone just twisted a knife in his gut.]
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I'm gonna get her back.
[Her voice cracks, and she has to bite her lip to stop it from trembling. She's so sick of crying.]
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I know you will.
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What am I gonna do if they hurt her?
[She knows he doesn't have an answer to that, but she desperately wants him to.]
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They'll pay. If they hurt her, they'll pay for it.
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That doesn't undo it.
[Her dad killed Murray, and it never made it easier, it never stopped her from feeling on edge around men she didn't know.
Knowing Sionis was dead didn't stop her nightmares.]
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[And he intends to personally burn the U.E. to the ground, or die trying, if they do to Ellie and Saul what they did to Adam. But even though his voice sounds raspy and murderous when he says that, he's stroking Steph's back with a tenderness that's in sharp contrast. What he really wants right now is just to make her feel better. Maybe vengeance won't even be necessary, if they carry out the rescue without a hitch.]
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[She hates how bitter and exhausted she sounds, but she's too worn out to keep up with the optimistic facade.
All she can is hold onto Jesse and be grateful for the comfort and try to keep the tears at bay.]
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Come on. Lie down for a couple minutes 'til the sugar rush kicks in, okay? We're gonna do a lotta running around soon.
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[But the protest is weak, and she's moving where led, because all she wants to do is curl up somewhere and pretend like everything hasn't gone to shit.]
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[She'll get all of nothing done if she faints or breaks down or something. He takes her to his bedroom, which is a lot cleaner than it was a week ago but still reeks of cigarette smoke. The bed, however, is a lot more comfortable than the couch out in the living room. He lets go of her briefly to fix the blankets for her, then returns to her, pressing his hand to the small of her back to ease her forward.]
Just for a minute. It's okay.
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Lisbeth won't mind?
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Trust me, she won't. Don't worry.
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What's so funny?
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Nah, just - Lisbeth's into girls, you know?
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[It's not the sort of thing that ever came up when they're being the crap out of each other.]
Wish I knew that when I was freaking out about liking a girl.
[She doesn't have a good brain to mouth filter at the best of times.
But at least she's taking a seat on the side of the bed and easing off her boots.]
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Yeah, she, um... Lisbeth does what she wants. She doesn't really care what anybody thinks about it.
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[Lisbeth is a lot cooler than Bailey, but she reminds Steph of her a lot, which just adds to the affection Steph feels for her.
She realizes she's being kind of weird and sighs, pushing her hands through her hair.]
What're you planning to do?
[For the next half hour, or however long it takes Steph to get sick of lying awake in bed.]
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I dunno. Maybe I'll clean my gun.
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The next thought that occurs to her is really stupid. Like, definitely up there with thinking that enacting one of Bruce's war game scenarios was a good idea. But she's exhausted and upset and one of the reasons she hasn't slept since Ellie left is because she's gotten so used to sharing her bed with someone. And she trusts Jesse, as much as the logical part of her brain tells her she shouldn't.
So it's really stupid, and she knows that, but she asks anyway.]
Stay?
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If you want, okay. Yeah.
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You don't have to. I just-- [what? she isn't sure what to say.] Sorry. It's okay.
[If he'd rather... not because it isn't like they're friends. They just have some strange sort of strange truce, a mutual understanding of how much they love Saul.]
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So if she wants him to stay - even if she's suddenly getting shy about it - he's alright with that. He sinks onto the bed next to her and puts his arms around her again, either sensing intuitively what she was asking for or projecting his own wants. Maybe he's wrong, but she'll hit him if he is, and he'll let go.]
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