[There's a breath, shaky, as she scrubs a hand over her face.]
I know what happened with Sonya, back in Exsilium.
[She wants to say what you did, but she's careful not to make it sound like an accusation, hoping to stop him from getting defensive right off the bat.
She's not sure if it'll work, or if he would've gotten defensive anyway, but it's automatic to try to do damage control.]
[Scratch that. He's shaking his head on the other end of the line.]
Nevermind. How much do you know? Like... Like how much? How'd you hear it? Because I know how it sounds, okay, and it's bad. But I swear to god I wasn't gonna do anything. I swear to god.
She got on top of me. I was lying down on the couch and she climbed on top of me and I told her to leave and she wouldn't - she wouldn't get off me and I was spun and I -
[His voice is getting increasingly panicked.]
- I just wanted her to get away! I didn't mean to hurt her! I grabbed her and I flipped her over and she got scared, so I got off her. I know you got no reason to believe me, I know that, but that's what happened. I got off her as soon as she got scared and I walked away. I walked away, Steph.
I - I said... When she was still on top of me, I started talking dirty at her. Like - Like asking why she was teasing me. I know, I know it's gross. I'm not making excuses. It was gross. I wanted to scare her, yeah. I wanted her off me. I wanted her to just go. She was hitting me, I didn't wanna hit back, I just...
But not after, okay? Once I grabbed her, that was it. I didn't say I'd do anything to her, nothing. I just... I just wanted her to go. Like, why the fuck was she still there? Why wouldn't she get off me?
Steph, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I scared her bad. I didn't mean to. I just wanted her outta there. Please believe me. I wouldn't hurt her. Not on purpose. Not like that. I don't do that. Ever.
[Wow, that's a slap in the face. He figured it was Sonya or someone else Sonya told, but Saul? First off - Saul thinking he'd actually do that to anyone, let alone Steph... And yeah, maybe he hasn't been doing so good in this cage, but did he really transform overnight in Saul's eyes? Or - Or was it like that all along, between them? Just Saul thinking he's managing this time bomb. Dealing with some rapist shithead tweaker murdering thug piece of shit.
Jesse swallows, a strangled whimper escaping his throat.]
...Saul never - never asked me my side of the story.
[But why would he? It's not like they're friends.]
He was sick. When she told him. It was when we were getting bombed, and then he stopped breathing and I... It wasn't important. All that shit happened. Who cares, right? He was sick. What the fuck kind of time is that to tell him that shit?
And then it just - I mean, I apologized to her, right after the bombing. And she told me it was fine. She said, "You don't have the ability to hurt me." And that was it. I thought...
It don't matter. Whatever Saul thinks about me. I'm not trying to -
[He sniffs, and he's shaking his head again, though she can't see it.]
I will never lay a hand on you. I won't even look at you again, if that's what you want. I told her the same thing. I told her she didn't have to forgive me, but I was sorry, and she'd never have to deal with me again if she didn't wanna. It's the same for you, Steph.
[She hates that she feels like crying again; she hates thinking about things like this and hates knowing that no matter what happens, she's going to feel like the bad guy.]
What I do know is what Sonya feels like. [It's an admission, it's trusting him even when she shouldn't, with that fact, regardless of whether she's giving details or not.] And I don't wanna be scared of a friend.
[Which feels stupid to say. Like, who fucking cares, honestly? It doesn't make him any less of a creepy shit, like oh, blah blah blah, the cycle of abuse. No one needs to feel sorry for him. But the point is...]
And she wishes he hadn't done it to Sonya, because then it wouldn't be a problem, none of them would have to be scared and they wouldn't have to deal with this on top of everything.
But saying that wouldn't change anything.]
Can I just-- can I be kinda brutally honest for a second?
[There's something she wants to say, but she's not sure Jesse wants to hear it.]
I wanna believe you, and I wanna trust you, but it's like... it's like there's two of you, Jesse. Right now, or- or in the clinic, or when they took Saul, I know that you wouldn't hurt me, but the other day when I came to see you...
[a pause as she tries to remember how to breathe.]
You really scared me, and when you're like that I don't know what you'll do.
[He hesitates there. There are things he shouldn't say while people are monitoring his tablet. Things he shouldn't say at all, probably. But everything's mattering less and less as he's convinced there's really no way out of this for him. Even if he gets out of the cell. They've taken everything. Or he destroyed it himself. Whatever.]
This isn't gonna make you feel better, but... Those times? That's me getting cornered, being stupid. Mr. White used to tell me I gotta do that, blow up like that so everybody'd leave me alone. I dunno when it happened, but somewhere along the way, that became part of me. The bad guy. I can't control it and it scares the shit outta people.
But I never really hurt anybody when I was like that. Came close. Came close a lotta times. But the real me always comes back, like it did the other day.
It's the real me that hurts people. A hundred percent me, and I know exactly what I'm doing when I do it, and I know who I'm doing it to and why I'm doing it. People keep saying I'm crazy and they're probably right. But if I ever hurt somebody - not just talk about it, but really, really hurt somebody - then it's the same guy you're talking to right now. I never been so lucky I could just go off somewhere and let the other guy take care of it.
I do what I do because I think I'm right. And I'm usually wrong. And I'm seeing it now.
[It makes her feel better in a way; at least he gets it, at least he's self-aware enough to realize this is a problem.
She isn't sure if she believes him, that he wouldn't really hurt anybody when he's like that. But she saw him come back, when she told him to kill her.]
Then change.
[It sounds more like a plea than an order, but if he's realizing that he's usually wrong. He needs to change.]
[But that's so feeble and there's nothing else he can promise. There's something deeply wrong with him and it isn't what everyone thinks is wrong with him. And maybe it's something no one can fix. After a year in this place, trying his hardest, he still hasn't fixed it.]
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Steph?
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I know what happened with Sonya, back in Exsilium.
[She wants to say what you did, but she's careful not to make it sound like an accusation, hoping to stop him from getting defensive right off the bat.
She's not sure if it'll work, or if he would've gotten defensive anyway, but it's automatic to try to do damage control.]
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[Oh no. His heart drops to his stomach and his throat tightens and all of a sudden he's whispering:]
You mean... back in June?
[To be sure, here. To be absolutely sure that's what she's talking about.]
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Yeah.
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[Scratch that. He's shaking his head on the other end of the line.]
Nevermind. How much do you know? Like... Like how much? How'd you hear it? Because I know how it sounds, okay, and it's bad. But I swear to god I wasn't gonna do anything. I swear to god.
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[It's firm, but calm and there's almost something gentle in it.]
I was told you held her down and threatened her. Whether you were gonna do anything or not isn't part of it, you don't make threats like that.
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[His voice is getting increasingly panicked.]
- I just wanted her to get away! I didn't mean to hurt her! I grabbed her and I flipped her over and she got scared, so I got off her. I know you got no reason to believe me, I know that, but that's what happened. I got off her as soon as she got scared and I walked away. I walked away, Steph.
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He's right, about her having no reason to believe him, but she can at least listen to him.]
Did you threaten her?
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I - I said... When she was still on top of me, I started talking dirty at her. Like - Like asking why she was teasing me. I know, I know it's gross. I'm not making excuses. It was gross. I wanted to scare her, yeah. I wanted her off me. I wanted her to just go. She was hitting me, I didn't wanna hit back, I just...
But not after, okay? Once I grabbed her, that was it. I didn't say I'd do anything to her, nothing. I just... I just wanted her to go. Like, why the fuck was she still there? Why wouldn't she get off me?
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[If nothing else, and if Jesse is telling the truth, Sonya blaming herself makes more sense, but that doesn't make anything easier.]
Why can nothing be simple in this fucking place?
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[But it's not angry, just dragged down by that same exhaustion that's been clinging to her for weeks.
She doesn't know what to say, doesn't know who to believe, and she really just wants to wipe her hands clean of all of this bullshit.]
Saul told me - and I swear to god you better not get mad at him for it - 'cause he's scared you might hurt me.
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Jesse swallows, a strangled whimper escaping his throat.]
...Saul never - never asked me my side of the story.
[But why would he? It's not like they're friends.]
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Jesse...
[This was stupid, this isn't what she wanted to hear because it'd be so much easier to just - cut Jesse out completely.]
Did you ever try to tell him?
[Which isn't-- Saul should have asked, but maybe she's just clutching at straws right now.]
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And then it just - I mean, I apologized to her, right after the bombing. And she told me it was fine. She said, "You don't have the ability to hurt me." And that was it. I thought...
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She scrubs her hands over her face and laughs, but it's not a very nice sound.]
Maybe he was just scared that Sonya would tell me and I'd be pissed at him.
[It's such a harsh thought, but she can't help it.]
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[He sniffs, and he's shaking his head again, though she can't see it.]
I will never lay a hand on you. I won't even look at you again, if that's what you want. I told her the same thing. I told her she didn't have to forgive me, but I was sorry, and she'd never have to deal with me again if she didn't wanna. It's the same for you, Steph.
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[She hates that she feels like crying again; she hates thinking about things like this and hates knowing that no matter what happens, she's going to feel like the bad guy.]
What I do know is what Sonya feels like. [It's an admission, it's trusting him even when she shouldn't, with that fact, regardless of whether she's giving details or not.] And I don't wanna be scared of a friend.
[But there's no real way to fix that, not now.]
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[Which feels stupid to say. Like, who fucking cares, honestly? It doesn't make him any less of a creepy shit, like oh, blah blah blah, the cycle of abuse. No one needs to feel sorry for him. But the point is...]
I don't wanna do that to you.
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And she wishes he hadn't done it to Sonya, because then it wouldn't be a problem, none of them would have to be scared and they wouldn't have to deal with this on top of everything.
But saying that wouldn't change anything.]
Can I just-- can I be kinda brutally honest for a second?
[There's something she wants to say, but she's not sure Jesse wants to hear it.]
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I wanna believe you, and I wanna trust you, but it's like... it's like there's two of you, Jesse. Right now, or- or in the clinic, or when they took Saul, I know that you wouldn't hurt me, but the other day when I came to see you...
[a pause as she tries to remember how to breathe.]
You really scared me, and when you're like that I don't know what you'll do.
[So she can't believe him, can't trust him.]
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[He hesitates there. There are things he shouldn't say while people are monitoring his tablet. Things he shouldn't say at all, probably. But everything's mattering less and less as he's convinced there's really no way out of this for him. Even if he gets out of the cell. They've taken everything. Or he destroyed it himself. Whatever.]
This isn't gonna make you feel better, but... Those times? That's me getting cornered, being stupid. Mr. White used to tell me I gotta do that, blow up like that so everybody'd leave me alone. I dunno when it happened, but somewhere along the way, that became part of me. The bad guy. I can't control it and it scares the shit outta people.
But I never really hurt anybody when I was like that. Came close. Came close a lotta times. But the real me always comes back, like it did the other day.
It's the real me that hurts people. A hundred percent me, and I know exactly what I'm doing when I do it, and I know who I'm doing it to and why I'm doing it. People keep saying I'm crazy and they're probably right. But if I ever hurt somebody - not just talk about it, but really, really hurt somebody - then it's the same guy you're talking to right now. I never been so lucky I could just go off somewhere and let the other guy take care of it.
I do what I do because I think I'm right. And I'm usually wrong. And I'm seeing it now.
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She isn't sure if she believes him, that he wouldn't really hurt anybody when he's like that. But she saw him come back, when she told him to kill her.]
Then change.
[It sounds more like a plea than an order, but if he's realizing that he's usually wrong. He needs to change.]
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I'm trying.
[But that's so feeble and there's nothing else he can promise. There's something deeply wrong with him and it isn't what everyone thinks is wrong with him. And maybe it's something no one can fix. After a year in this place, trying his hardest, he still hasn't fixed it.]
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