MASK OR MENACE - contact.

[hostage]

_“ Hey, it's me. Wait for the thing. _”

Comments

[kingpawn]

He knows already, Jesse. Don't you think I tried to defend myself? I didn't just let this happen. I had a gun on him when it did.

[hostage]

So... You didn't kill him, and he didn't kill you, but - He let you get away, so what's that mean? What if it's a trap, Mr. White? Like... What if he's hoping you'll try something? What if he's got a plan for that?

[kingpawn]

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!!

[ His hands curl into trembling fists. What does Walt do about it if killing him isn't an option? Walt reaches up, closing his fingers around his hair. ]

If I don't do something, Jesse, I wind up locked in his cage and becoming his lab rat. I don't have a choice.

[hostage]

[It's definitely time for him to do the same old trick he used to use on Joel. Jesse reaches up to lay his hand against the back of Walt's neck, offering a comforting squeeze. And also relieving some of that emotional distress, there. Let him speak to a less panicked Mr. White so they can think about this rationally.]

[kingpawn]

I don't have a choice...

[ Walt repeated, a bit more calm after Jesse's touch. ]

Unless I give him what he wants. Unless I confess to everything. Then there's nothing more he can find out...nothing else to keep him invested.

[ Crane had suggested it at some point -- that it might be a good tactic. ]

[hostage]

[Jesse clenches his jaw and remains silent for a moment, waiting for the wave of stolen aggravation to pass. Once he's stabilized, his hand slides to Walt's shoulder.]

If you make a move now, he'll know he scared you. You ain't gonna get locked up. I promise, I won't let you. And you're stronger than he is, and you won't fall for the same mistake twice, so there's nothing to worry about.

[kingpawn]

I underestimated him....

[ He shakes his head and laughs at the absurdity of it all. Walt had completely underestimated Frederick Chilton. ]

Even if I want to escape my past, I can't. There will always be enemies, even in this new world. And I'll always fall back into old habits.

[ And eventually, someday, Jesse too would be his enemy. Walt looks over at Jesse because being angry at him now seems so meaningless and petty. ]

I started cooking again.

[hostage]

[Well, that's... not where he expected this to go. Jesse's brow furrows in confusion at first, dissolving to hurt as he works it out:]

Here.

Without me.

[kingpawn]

Yes. Without you.

[ Walt answers -- short and clipped. ]

I was upset with you at the time.

[hostage]

[That isn't much of a modifier.]

...Are you still? Upset with me.

[kingpawn]

[ when is he not upset with you, Jesse? ]

No. You took my cancer away. But I can understand why you did it.

The day when I first found out -- you can understand why I wouldn't invite you to cook with me, can't you?

[hostage]

Not really.

[It terrifies him, actually, that Walt apparently found out about the cancer thing, didn't even say anything to him, and went on to cook a batch without him. It says he's expendable at best, and competition at worst.

And, knowing what becomes of the competition, Jesse thinks back to the other night. He was missing time. He ended up in bed somehow, when the last thing he remembers about that night is getting into his car. Stuff like that doesn't happen to him anymore. He doesn't just black out anymore.

The phone call. The phone call...]

What'd you do to me?

[He's whispering, he can hardly find his voice.]

The other night... You did something to me.

[kingpawn]

[ Walt couldn't have this. Not now. Not with the threat of Chilton. He looks over at Jesse, opening his mouth and then he glances away. ]

That isn't important.

[hostage]

[It is important.]

I guess nothing leaves a mark on me, so, what - just make sure I don't remember it and it's like it never happened? How many times have you done that? You come here and hurt me every night? Is that why you're here now?

[kingpawn]

No!

[ Walt yells, rising to his feet suddenly and rearing back on Jesse. As he looks at him his expression crumbles and his voice softens. ]

No. Jesse, please. Listen to me. You're getting carried away here. I haven't done anything to you. I'm not hiding in your shadows, torturing you and erasing your memories at night. I'm not....I'm not Chilton.

[ His expression is pleading as he watches Jesse. The truth? Walt debates telling it. Chilton's words come to mind. You tell people the truth you want them to believe because it's the truth YOU want to believe. There's a break in his voice as he closes his eyes. ]

I was here, yes. Sunday night. I wanted to know why you healed my cancer against my will, but I knew you would never tell me the truth. So I sedated you, got you to relax as though you drank a little too much and asked you then. That's it. That's all I did. And I brought you to bed, tucked you in and left. I guess the sedative had a stronger side-effect than I anticipated and you didn't remember it when you woke up. But I didn't outright erase it from your memories, Jesse. I'm not even capable of doing that.

[ He opens his eyes and looks at Jesse. ]

I know it was wrong. And I'm sorry, but I just needed to know why. Why you would condemn me to living a full life when I don't deserve to...

[hostage]

...It wasn't obvious?

[Maybe it wasn't. Jesse's confident that whatever he said under the influence wouldn't have been damning, that he had no ulterior motives in saving Mr. White's life. But the future's probably given Walt plenty of reasons to doubt him.

Still, he feels sick. Walt had said for himself, in that broken snippet of conversation Jesse had caught over the phone: "I did this same thing to Jesse... just the other day." Part of him had recognized that he was like Chilton. And if he doesn't recognize that drugging people to pull the truth out of them isn't majorly fucked up, then -

No. Even Mr. White recognizes it. He just doesn't like the way it sounds.]

And now you came to me tonight because... Because you knew I'd heal you? Or because you knew I'd kill him for you? What was your plan if all this didn't happen, now you're cooking again without me? 'cause that makes us not partners anymore, right? Help me understand this, Mr. White. 'cause I gotta know if I don't have a choice anymore. Can you just tell me? Tell me I don't have a choice.

[It'll hurt so much less if they aren't supposed to be friends.]

[kingpawn]

You're complicating everything too much, Jesse.

[ And he mentally curses Chilton for causing yet another destruction. Jesse is a mess right now and Walt needs to rein him back in before he does something stupid. He sits down beside him again, reaching his hand out to rest on his shoulder -- his tone is gentle, loving. ]

I came to you because we're partners.

[hostage]

[It's nothing Walt would notice, but the moment he touches Jesse's shoulder, Jesse bolsters his own power. If Walt intends to drug him again, he won't let it work this time.]

I don't think we are.

[kingpawn]

What are you saying?

[ He utters it on a breath, staring at Jesse. ]

[hostage]

You don't trust me, Mr. White.

And I get that. I'm not saying I expect you to. I think it makes the most sense, you hating me. But I can tell, you know? You're not hiding it as good as you think you are.

So I guess... maybe just tell me what you want from me. 'cause I'll give you whatever you want. You don't have to lie to get it. I'm ready to pay for all the things I'm gonna do. It just works better if I know, don't you think? It'll be easier for both of us if you stop pretending you care how I feel.

[kingpawn]

That's not....that's not how it is at all.

[ Walt pulls back his hand. It hurts when he's confronted with it -- especially now. He cares very much about how Jesse feels, as long as Jesse's acting within a certain set way. What Walt does is what he has to do in their fucked up relationship to get answers but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about Jesse as a person.

Maybe it's just the despair of the situation or the fact that Walt lost so much tonight, but he shakes his head sadly. ]

I don't want anything from you.

[ There's no bitterness in his tone. It's just Walt giving up now. It's Walt standing before Jesse while he's holding the gun: Do it. You want this. He stands, drawing in a breath. ]

I'll do this alone.

[ He starts to the door and then pauses, looking over his shoulder. ]

It was only one cook, Jesse. Just one. I'm done once it sells.

[hostage]

[Please don't insult him.]

It's never just one cook.

[Jesse gets to his feet, though he doesn't look like he intends to chase after Walt if he's really leaving.]

Is it really that hard to tell me how you feel? Why's it so easy to hurt me, but when it comes to telling me why you're doing it, you run away from me?

[kingpawn]

[ Stop. Yes it is just one! no it isn't ]

I told you already. We're partners.

[ Walt stops in his tracks and turns to face Jesse completely, taking a step forward. Another step. And then he reaches out to pull him into a tight embrace. ]

You sound like you want me to tell you I don't care about you or that I hate you, Jesse. And that would be the lie.

[hostage]

[Jesse wraps his arms around Walt just to keep him from running away from this. But he's shaking with a mixture of fear and anger. He's learning this is an aggressive move of Walt's. These hugs are never affectionate. They hurt more than anything. With his chin resting on Walt's shoulder, his lips beside Walt's ear, he murmurs:]

You don't drug and interrogate people you care about.

[kingpawn]

[ He tenses when Jesse still continues to fight him, the embrace losing its tender edge and becoming rigid. ]

You also don't take what isn't yours to take and lie about it. You started this, Jesse. I retaliated. Why does the blame get cast on me when you are every bit as guilty?