[It isn't heroin, after all. There's an exhaustion that comes along with using speed. When it's finally out of your system, you start to notice how tense your muscles have been all the while. That's where Jesse's at now, aches and pains and knots in his back and weariness in his bones.]
[It doesn't take her long to actually find him. Nill kneels down beside wherever he's cooped himself up. She doesn't look concerned, though - more neutral than anything, even if it's only for the moment.]
[His bedroom, not Lisbeth's. It's not neat but it's not a total mess, either, and he looks tired but not worse than that. The tail end of the most physically challenging part of cleaning up. He's not really dressed for a visitor, just a t-shirt and boxers and a blanket pulled up to his chest.]
[Maybe if she didn't know Jesse as much as she does, Nill would care, but as things stand she doesn't. She feels no real threat from Jesse as far as her physical well being goes.]
I expected you to tell her the truth.
[Not entirely true. When it came to Jesse, she wasn't surprised that he hadn't actually said anything to Lisbeth. But she figured he deserved the chance to explain himself - not only for his sake, but for Lisbeth's. It wasn't her fault that he didn't take it.]
It don't make a difference 'cause she'll forget about it when it happens, whether you tell her or not. The only thing that'll happen if you tell her is you'll make her miserable and every day she'll be worrying about it, wondering if today's the day. And then one day it will be the day. 'cause that ain't changing, you know. You know it's gotta happen. So you wanna do that to her? You wanna make her go through that?
[Nill is silent for a good minute or so, unmoving. Then, after a pause, she pulls her tablet out of her pocket, and quickly types in the code to unlock it. As she does,]
Do you remember when I was in the hospital in October?
[...Faintly, because that was years ago now, with a whole lot in between. And he's watching her with that tablet, a feeling of dread building in his stomach. Is she just going to do it now? Type it out to Lisbeth, cold like that?]
[It's an insult for him to think that she would tell Lisbeth like this. Not when Nill cares about Lisbeth as much as she does. Instead, when Nill lifts her NV for him to see, it has a picture of a kid on it - maybe fifteen or sixteen, with pale blond hair and sunglasses.]
This boy's name is Dave. He saved my life that night.
[She holds up the tablet for a moment longer, mostly because she wants to make sure he has the image of that boy in his head. Once she's sure he does, she closes the tablet, and puts it back into her pocket.]
He saved my life because he's able to control time. I stopped time in order to get away from the monster that was attacking me.
The only reason I survived that night was because Dave saved me-- but I would never have even had the chance to be saved if you hadn't sold that power to me. I would have died in the streets in the dark, ripped apart by a monster.
[And what about the person he stole that power from, he wonders. What happened the next time that guy tried to use his ability and it didn't work? Was that man devoured in the Darkness, instead? Oh, he sees where Nill's going now. But there's a deep descent that way, consequences upon consequences that Jesse always tries to push out of his mind.]
Yes, I would have. I was out there before you sold me the powers, and I would have been out there even if you hadn't. I wanted to become stronger, and you dealing to me would not have stopped me from being outside at night.
I'm also sure the monster that attacked me would have attacked at some point no matter the time of day. I would not have been spared no matter what happened/
[Her eyes narrow, almost imperceptibly so. It's enough that he usual softness that comes from her demeanor when she's around Jesse is gone now, replaced by something tired and angry.]
I'm not so selfish as to say that my life means more than the lives you've been responsible for, or even the life of the person you took the ability from. I haven't done enough to warrant that.
However-- because of that night I trusted Dave. He stayed with me in the hospital. He gave me his blood when he didn't need to. He played music for me so that I could actually sleep.
I never would have trusted him if I had not bought that ability from you.
[It hits Jesse, then. He hadn't thought that Nill cared much for him, not enough to really miss him when he was gone. But he hadn't thought of her as cold, either. He simply wasn't important to her, that's what he would have thought. Lisbeth was important to her, though - he believed that much - and saving him for Lisbeth's sake seemed like a reasonable and human thing to do. He would save someone for a reason like that.
It's beginning to dawn on him, however, that maybe that isn't the reason she's angry with him, either. Maybe, instead, he is important to her. In all the wrong ways, maybe he's important to her. The way he was important to Walter White, to Gus Fring. He's a cog in her machine.]
So you just want me around, what, so you meet your boyfriend at the right time? You think that don't happen without me? You don't know. Maybe it goes better without me in the picture.
[There's something particularly angry about the way it comes out - not in the 'voice' itself, but in the feeling behind it. She knows, because honestly, Nill very rarely trusts anyone.]
Dave is not my boyfriend. Even if he was, that isn't what's important right now.
The important thing is that I would not have wanted to be saved. I had no intention of surviving that night when I ran away. If I had just gotten far enough to post the pictures of the monster that attacked me to the network, that would have been enough. I didn't even consider my survival an option - but because of you, I gained so much more after that than I ever deserved.
I survived that night because of you. I learned to trust people again because of you.
I only ever saved one life. One. And I shoulda never done it. You see it, can't you? Can't you see it all in my head? Don't you know all of it by now? I ruin everything.
[He's been trying to keep his voice down, but it's on the rise anyway, until that last sentence when it breaks and trembles. He stops then, folding his hands and pressing his knuckles to his mouth as if he's in supplication to some higher power. There's no prayer on his mind, though. Just the unvoiced desire to be left alone, to never be used again for good or evil, to disappear the way he's meant to.]
You don't get to decide that the one life you saved is somehow less than the lives that have ended because of your decisions.
What about the little boy? The little red haired boy-- you think about him sometimes, I've seen it. Do you think he would be alive if you hadn't done what you did that day? Do you really think he would have survived the conditions he was living in?
Or Rue. Who would she have trusted in the Port if it hadn't been you? One of the homicidal Newcomers? What would have happened to her then? By the time I left the Port, most of the responsible adults that might have looked after her were gone long before you were.
Lisbeth loves you, and you're wrong about someone better loving her, because no one else has. I know, because I've seen that too. Maybe someone else would love her some day, but it would never make her as happy as you loving her does.
I've seen you on the Network all the time talking to children, helping people-- and maybe that's just to make yourself feel better, but you can't decide to erase yourself and take away all the good you've done just because the bad seems bigger!
If you don't want to be used by anyone, then don't let them use you. Deciding you can fix all your mistakes by making sure you don't exist to make them is selfish.
[That reply is shaky, unsure. His thoughts have been with Drew Sharp, with Gale Boetticher, with Jane. Anyone could do something kind like take a neglected child away from a terrible home, or help a little girl find her way to a safe place. What if Lisbeth had met someone else that night in the club, someone who wasn't an addict and could love her more than drugs? Anyone here could bake cookies, could build furniture, could welcome people.
But no one else would have come up with the plan to rob a train that day out in the dark territory. No one else stood in Gale's doorway that night with a pistol in hand. No one else was with Jane in his bed as they shot their very last dose of heroin, swearing up and down they'd kick tomorrow.]
The people I killed? They got no chance if I'm there.
[Her expression softens slightly - not enough to make it seem like she isn't necessarily angry, but there's some level of empathy there.]
Jesse, [Her tone doesn't sound angry, either.] If the man was involved in the kind of work you do, he would have died at some point too. You not being in the world doesn't mean he would survive. And Jane-- she was an addict. It wasn't your fault she died.
[She can't say much for the child. It's sad that he died, but she doesn't believe the child is worth more than the good he's done.]
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Are you okay?
[Even if he's not in the living room, she can feel the sickness coming off him in waves. It's almost enough to upset her own stomach.]
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[It isn't heroin, after all. There's an exhaustion that comes along with using speed. When it's finally out of your system, you start to notice how tense your muscles have been all the while. That's where Jesse's at now, aches and pains and knots in his back and weariness in his bones.]
What's going on?
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You didn't tell Lisbeth.
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What'd you expect me to tell her?
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I expected you to tell her the truth.
[Not entirely true. When it came to Jesse, she wasn't surprised that he hadn't actually said anything to Lisbeth. But she figured he deserved the chance to explain himself - not only for his sake, but for Lisbeth's. It wasn't her fault that he didn't take it.]
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[Probably for the first time that Jesse has actually seen, her expression becomes sharp - obviously angry.]
If you won't tell her, I will.
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Do you remember when I was in the hospital in October?
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[...Faintly, because that was years ago now, with a whole lot in between. And he's watching her with that tablet, a feeling of dread building in his stomach. Is she just going to do it now? Type it out to Lisbeth, cold like that?]
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[It's an insult for him to think that she would tell Lisbeth like this. Not when Nill cares about Lisbeth as much as she does. Instead, when Nill lifts her NV for him to see, it has a picture of a kid on it - maybe fifteen or sixteen, with pale blond hair and sunglasses.]
This boy's name is Dave. He saved my life that night.
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[He's glad it happened, but he doesn't get the connection.]
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He saved my life because he's able to control time. I stopped time in order to get away from the monster that was attacking me.
The only reason I survived that night was because Dave saved me-- but I would never have even had the chance to be saved if you hadn't sold that power to me. I would have died in the streets in the dark, ripped apart by a monster.
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Would you have been out there to begin with?
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I'm also sure the monster that attacked me would have attacked at some point no matter the time of day. I would not have been spared no matter what happened/
[Her eyes narrow, almost imperceptibly so. It's enough that he usual softness that comes from her demeanor when she's around Jesse is gone now, replaced by something tired and angry.]
I'm not so selfish as to say that my life means more than the lives you've been responsible for, or even the life of the person you took the ability from. I haven't done enough to warrant that.
However-- because of that night I trusted Dave. He stayed with me in the hospital. He gave me his blood when he didn't need to. He played music for me so that I could actually sleep.
I never would have trusted him if I had not bought that ability from you.
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It's beginning to dawn on him, however, that maybe that isn't the reason she's angry with him, either. Maybe, instead, he is important to her. In all the wrong ways, maybe he's important to her. The way he was important to Walter White, to Gus Fring. He's a cog in her machine.]
So you just want me around, what, so you meet your boyfriend at the right time? You think that don't happen without me? You don't know. Maybe it goes better without me in the picture.
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[There's something particularly angry about the way it comes out - not in the 'voice' itself, but in the feeling behind it. She knows, because honestly, Nill very rarely trusts anyone.]
Dave is not my boyfriend. Even if he was, that isn't what's important right now.
The important thing is that I would not have wanted to be saved. I had no intention of surviving that night when I ran away. If I had just gotten far enough to post the pictures of the monster that attacked me to the network, that would have been enough. I didn't even consider my survival an option - but because of you, I gained so much more after that than I ever deserved.
I survived that night because of you. I learned to trust people again because of you.
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You can't decide to save the lives you're responsible for ending and also decide to ignore the lives you're responsible for saving!
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[He's been trying to keep his voice down, but it's on the rise anyway, until that last sentence when it breaks and trembles. He stops then, folding his hands and pressing his knuckles to his mouth as if he's in supplication to some higher power. There's no prayer on his mind, though. Just the unvoiced desire to be left alone, to never be used again for good or evil, to disappear the way he's meant to.]
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What about the little boy? The little red haired boy-- you think about him sometimes, I've seen it. Do you think he would be alive if you hadn't done what you did that day? Do you really think he would have survived the conditions he was living in?
Or Rue. Who would she have trusted in the Port if it hadn't been you? One of the homicidal Newcomers? What would have happened to her then? By the time I left the Port, most of the responsible adults that might have looked after her were gone long before you were.
Lisbeth loves you, and you're wrong about someone better loving her, because no one else has. I know, because I've seen that too. Maybe someone else would love her some day, but it would never make her as happy as you loving her does.
I've seen you on the Network all the time talking to children, helping people-- and maybe that's just to make yourself feel better, but you can't decide to erase yourself and take away all the good you've done just because the bad seems bigger!
If you don't want to be used by anyone, then don't let them use you. Deciding you can fix all your mistakes by making sure you don't exist to make them is selfish.
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[That reply is shaky, unsure. His thoughts have been with Drew Sharp, with Gale Boetticher, with Jane. Anyone could do something kind like take a neglected child away from a terrible home, or help a little girl find her way to a safe place. What if Lisbeth had met someone else that night in the club, someone who wasn't an addict and could love her more than drugs? Anyone here could bake cookies, could build furniture, could welcome people.
But no one else would have come up with the plan to rob a train that day out in the dark territory. No one else stood in Gale's doorway that night with a pistol in hand. No one else was with Jane in his bed as they shot their very last dose of heroin, swearing up and down they'd kick tomorrow.]
The people I killed? They got no chance if I'm there.
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Jesse, [Her tone doesn't sound angry, either.] If the man was involved in the kind of work you do, he would have died at some point too. You not being in the world doesn't mean he would survive. And Jane-- she was an addict. It wasn't your fault she died.
[She can't say much for the child. It's sad that he died, but she doesn't believe the child is worth more than the good he's done.]
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