hostage | EXSILIUM

[She was gonna just leave him to eat, but she's actually really hungry, considering she hasn't had anything but coffee and cookies all day, so she decided she might as well eat some of what she was cooking.]

You're welcome.

[She doesn't miss that look, so she's frowning a little as she spears a strip of beef on her fork, pausing before she eats.]

What's up?

I was just -

[Ugh, this is going to sound silly. He picks up his fork and pokes at his food a little while he tries to word it in the least dorky way he can think of.]

What's it like? The whole... I mean, you don't gotta tell me, if you don't want, but - Being a hero. Like, legit. Working for him. With him. Whatever. I always wondered, you know, what that'd be like.

[She doesn't think it sounds dorky, and she makes a considering sound around a mouthful of food, taking time to think over her answer while she chews and swallows.]

I think the weirdest part is that he's human underneath it all. 'Cause I grew up around criminals, and they talk about him like he's some kind of mystical figure, you know? And then you really get to know him and he's just some guy who gets scared and lonely and who even laughs, sometimes.

[For all it sounds casual, she's being careful about what she says, because it's Bruce, and she doesn't want to potentially give anything away.]

But I'd always forget that as soon as I was out there working with him, he's just such a presence. And it rubs off on whoevers with him, especially when I was Robin, it's like I got a part of that magic for myself, like I could do anything while I was in those colours.

[There's something a little bit sad in the way she shrugs and looks away for a moment, echoing Jesse's gesure of poking at the food.]

People look at you differently, they take you seriously, and they're either scared of you or they trust you, depending on who they are. They respect you.

[Whether it's criminals or the civilians they're helping, they treated her differently when she was Robin, when she was working with Batman than when she was on her own. It was getting better as Batgirl, but she doubts it'll ever be quite the same.]

No matter what I was facing, I thought that as long as he was with me that I was safe, that nothing could go wrong. It was like being invincible.

[She wonders if Jason felt the same.]

It's not real, that feeling, but it was nice while it lasted.

[With that, she looks down at her plate and eats some more food, signalling that she's done talking for the moment.]

[Jesse's paying far more attention to her story than his meal, but when she pauses for a bite, he quickly shovels pasta into his mouth and then takes his time chewing and contemplating. After he swallows, he feels like he should say something:]

It sounds like it's awesome.

[And he sounds a little jealous.]

It can be.

[It's part of why she still does it, why she kept with it even after putting her dad behind bars, because it really is like being invincible, and that was a feeling she wanted to hold on to when she had no control over the rest of her life.]

We never really saw eye to eye about a lot of things. And he fired me, in the end.

[Her smile is sad, rueful, before she has another bite.]

[She looks sad about it, so Jesse won't press further. He pokes at his food some more.]

I used to wanna be a superhero. I made up like a million stories when I was a kid. Drew comics, too. So... So lame.

I think a lot of kids do that.

[It's strange to think about it from the perspective of a world without them, where they only exist in comic books and movies.]

The first costume I designed was so bad, I mean - really, it was awful. There was just way too much going on, and I still thought you needed briefs on the outside of the costume to be a real hero.

[She manages a genuine smile, sharing something that's a little more cheesy and ridiculous, like it might help lighten the mood a bit.]

And everyone thought I was a dude.

See, but it's awesome, 'cause at least you got to wear it.

[She huffs a laugh, but her expression softens after a moment.]

It was more awesome seeing my dad get shoved in the back of a police car.

[That's what it was about at the start, not being a hero, she just wanted to stop her dad.]

Yeah.

[Jesse draws back uncomfortably, all of a sudden interested in his food again.]

Yeah, I bet.

[Wow, Brown.]

Sorry.

[Smooth.]

Nah, don't worry about it.

I'm pretty sure I should apologize when I say stupid shit.

[She tries to keep her tone light, as if that might make this less awkward.]

[This is unbelievably not even close to the most awkward dinner he's had.]

It wasn't stupid.

It was kinda thoughtless.

["Kinda"]

It was honest.

[That actually gives her pause, and she considers him for a moment before working out what to say.]

A lot of people aren't a fan of honest.

Those are people who never really been lied to.

Are there actually people like that in the world?

[She seems to mean that as a genuine question.

Doesn't everyone spend most of their lives being lied to?]

I mean really, really lied to.

[She frowns at her plate, seemingly having a bit of trouble with that, trying to think it over. She knew what he meant, really really lied to, but it's still hard to imagine people who have had a life where people tell them the truth.

After a little while, she just admits:] I don't think I can wrap my head around that.

Well, that's the world we're in, right? Secret identities, secret organizations, secret everything. But there's normal people out there.

But even without all the superhero shit, people are still assholes. [Which is what she's struggling to grasp, the idea that some people have lives where there's not at least one shitty person in them.] Adults, mostly, but you know.

[Nevermind that she's technically an adult.]

Not all of 'em. Not most of 'em. I think most people're good. Or they're trying to be.

[More silence for a moment, more pushing her food around her plate without eating it.]

I dunno if I can afford to think like that. [Which isn't to say that he's wrong, because she does have a lot of faith in people, most of the time.

A sigh.] Or just-- maybe you're right, but people being good doesn't mean they don't lie to or hurt the people around them.

[Bruce, Babs, Saul. She's pretty sure none of them wanted to hurt her, but they've still lied to her, they've still ended up hurting her anyway.]

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