EXSILIUM - contact.

[hostage]

UNIT№409



_“ Hey, it's me. Wait for the thing. _”

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[controlledvariable]

[She doesn't wanna do this over text.

Once the line connects, her voice comes over quiet and genuine, despite everything.]

Hey, how are you?

[hostage]

[He switches, too. And he sounds... happy. Relieved. He thought she was done with him.]

I'm okay, yeah. You?

[controlledvariable]

[And she hates that, because she wants to be done with him, she wants to stop caring about Jesse, but it's so hard.]

A little done with all this shit. [more tired than angry, and she's not sure where to go from there.] Jesse--

[nope.]

[hostage]

[Oh no, what'd he do?]

Steph?

[controlledvariable]

[There's a breath, shaky, as she scrubs a hand over her face.]

I know what happened with Sonya, back in Exsilium.

[She wants to say what you did, but she's careful not to make it sound like an accusation, hoping to stop him from getting defensive right off the bat.

She's not sure if it'll work, or if he would've gotten defensive anyway, but it's automatic to try to do damage control.]

[hostage]

What happened -

[Oh no. His heart drops to his stomach and his throat tightens and all of a sudden he's whispering:]

You mean... back in June?

[To be sure, here. To be absolutely sure that's what she's talking about.]

[controlledvariable]

[She wants him to be sorry, but she doesn't want him to be sorry, because then she'll have to decide if she can forgive him.]

Yeah.

[hostage]

Who...

[Scratch that. He's shaking his head on the other end of the line.]

Nevermind. How much do you know? Like... Like how much? How'd you hear it? Because I know how it sounds, okay, and it's bad. But I swear to god I wasn't gonna do anything. I swear to god.

[controlledvariable]

Jesse.

[It's firm, but calm and there's almost something gentle in it.]

I was told you held her down and threatened her. Whether you were gonna do anything or not isn't part of it, you don't make threats like that.

[hostage]

She got on top of me. I was lying down on the couch and she climbed on top of me and I told her to leave and she wouldn't - she wouldn't get off me and I was spun and I -

[His voice is getting increasingly panicked.]

- I just wanted her to get away! I didn't mean to hurt her! I grabbed her and I flipped her over and she got scared, so I got off her. I know you got no reason to believe me, I know that, but that's what happened. I got off her as soon as she got scared and I walked away. I walked away, Steph.

[controlledvariable]

[In a contrast to Jesse's panic, she keeps her own voice calm, as hard as that is.

He's right, about her having no reason to believe him, but she can at least listen to him.]

Did you threaten her?

[hostage]

[Deep breaths, deep breaths.]

I - I said... When she was still on top of me, I started talking dirty at her. Like - Like asking why she was teasing me. I know, I know it's gross. I'm not making excuses. It was gross. I wanted to scare her, yeah. I wanted her off me. I wanted her to just go. She was hitting me, I didn't wanna hit back, I just...

But not after, okay? Once I grabbed her, that was it. I didn't say I'd do anything to her, nothing. I just... I just wanted her to go. Like, why the fuck was she still there? Why wouldn't she get off me?

[controlledvariable]

Christ.

[If nothing else, and if Jesse is telling the truth, Sonya blaming herself makes more sense, but that doesn't make anything easier.]

Why can nothing be simple in this fucking place?

[hostage]

Steph, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I scared her bad. I didn't mean to. I just wanted her outta there. Please believe me. I wouldn't hurt her. Not on purpose. Not like that. I don't do that. Ever.

[controlledvariable]

Yeah, Jesse, you scared her bad.

[But it's not angry, just dragged down by that same exhaustion that's been clinging to her for weeks.

She doesn't know what to say, doesn't know who to believe, and she really just wants to wipe her hands clean of all of this bullshit.]

Saul told me - and I swear to god you better not get mad at him for it - 'cause he's scared you might hurt me.

[hostage]

[Wow, that's a slap in the face. He figured it was Sonya or someone else Sonya told, but Saul? First off - Saul thinking he'd actually do that to anyone, let alone Steph... And yeah, maybe he hasn't been doing so good in this cage, but did he really transform overnight in Saul's eyes? Or - Or was it like that all along, between them? Just Saul thinking he's managing this time bomb. Dealing with some rapist shithead tweaker murdering thug piece of shit.

Jesse swallows, a strangled whimper escaping his throat.]

...Saul never - never asked me my side of the story.

[But why would he? It's not like they're friends.]

[controlledvariable]

[Fuck.]

Jesse...

[This was stupid, this isn't what she wanted to hear because it'd be so much easier to just - cut Jesse out completely.]

Did you ever try to tell him?

[Which isn't-- Saul should have asked, but maybe she's just clutching at straws right now.]

[hostage]

He was sick. When she told him. It was when we were getting bombed, and then he stopped breathing and I... It wasn't important. All that shit happened. Who cares, right? He was sick. What the fuck kind of time is that to tell him that shit?

And then it just - I mean, I apologized to her, right after the bombing. And she told me it was fine. She said, "You don't have the ability to hurt me." And that was it. I thought...

[controlledvariable]

[And she knows that's bullshit from Sonya's part, at least, because Jesse did hurt her and he scared her, but it isn't Steph's place to say anything.

She scrubs her hands over her face and laughs, but it's not a very nice sound.]

Maybe he was just scared that Sonya would tell me and I'd be pissed at him.

[It's such a harsh thought, but she can't help it.]

[hostage]

It don't matter. Whatever Saul thinks about me. I'm not trying to -

[He sniffs, and he's shaking his head again, though she can't see it.]

I will never lay a hand on you. I won't even look at you again, if that's what you want. I told her the same thing. I told her she didn't have to forgive me, but I was sorry, and she'd never have to deal with me again if she didn't wanna. It's the same for you, Steph.

[controlledvariable]

I don't know what I want.

[She hates that she feels like crying again; she hates thinking about things like this and hates knowing that no matter what happens, she's going to feel like the bad guy.]

What I do know is what Sonya feels like. [It's an admission, it's trusting him even when she shouldn't, with that fact, regardless of whether she's giving details or not.] And I don't wanna be scared of a friend.

[But there's no real way to fix that, not now.]

[hostage]

I know what Sonya feels like, too.

[Which feels stupid to say. Like, who fucking cares, honestly? It doesn't make him any less of a creepy shit, like oh, blah blah blah, the cycle of abuse. No one needs to feel sorry for him. But the point is...]

I don't wanna do that to you.

[controlledvariable]

[Steph cares.

And she wishes he hadn't done it to Sonya, because then it wouldn't be a problem, none of them would have to be scared and they wouldn't have to deal with this on top of everything.

But saying that wouldn't change anything.]

Can I just-- can I be kinda brutally honest for a second?

[There's something she wants to say, but she's not sure Jesse wants to hear it.]

[hostage]

Yeah.

[controlledvariable]

[Okay, here goes:]

I wanna believe you, and I wanna trust you, but it's like... it's like there's two of you, Jesse. Right now, or- or in the clinic, or when they took Saul, I know that you wouldn't hurt me, but the other day when I came to see you...

[a pause as she tries to remember how to breathe.]

You really scared me, and when you're like that I don't know what you'll do.

[So she can't believe him, can't trust him.]