Mmm. [Suspicious, but she at least relents this much. Though she kind of has nothing to say. The silence weighs for a second and then weighs less. She's okay with letting it drag a little.]
[But this is important, so he picks himself up and stands up straight. Much as his muscles are screaming for him to lie down and rest, he needs to face her and be taken seriously for once.]
The drugs just help me deal, okay, with all this shit. I ain't like all you people here. Most my life, all I had to worry about was paying my electricity bills and whether I wanted to pick up McDonald's or pizza for dinner. Then things got all screwed up and now people wanna kill me and I'm a thousand years in the future with a bunch of superheroes and aliens. You know what that makes me wanna do? It makes me wanna hide under my bed and never come out. I woke up this morning and I couldn't even tell myself what was the point in keeping on breathing. And I reminded myself there's people who love me and I gotta breathe for them. But guess what - I didn't have those people before. I didn't have 'em for the longest time. Alls I had was the meth. So that's why I made it, that's why I had it on me that time you jumped me, that's why I kept taking it every day.
I can stop. I have stopped, and I'll do it again. But I never said it was easy. I'm sick with it and I'm sick without it. There's just a whole lot of bouncing between what kind of sick I feel like being. The meth makes me a little crazy - I know you saw it. I know. Now you're gonna see me down instead, and you and your buddy Edgeworth can laugh about how pathetic I am.
[He shakes his head, pacing around.]
And now you wanna know... You wanna know what I did? I did this. I got thousands of customers addicted just like this. Yeah, I'm still doing it. Edgeworth knows it, too. I told him all about it. Hell, I said it in court. 'cause there ain't no laws against it, and cooking's all I know. The meth is all I know. That's it. So as long as there ain't no law stopping me, that's what I got to give this place. Somebody wants the product, I provide it. Edgeworth don't like it, he can kiss my ass. I told him so.
So am I worried about him? Well, I know he hates my guts. I mean, people are asking for poison and I'm selling it to 'em, so he thinks that's as good as me going around killing people. Did I shoot that guy down in the red light district? No. But he thinks I did, and he thinks I got away with it like I'm getting away with slinging crystal, and he wants to string me up 'cause of it. He told me as much.
But am I worried? You're thinking, like, am I gonna get to him first, right? Am I gonna get him before he gets me?
[Jesse shakes his head again, emphatically.]
I know I deserve what he wants to give me. I know if everything's right in the world, my place is hanged up by a noose somewhere. I ain't worried about the day God comes and sends me to hell. It just ain't time yet. Edgeworth's got his work cut out for him. And me, I still got people I'm supposed to keep breathing for.
[She does listen to all this. Staring at him with that bald evaluating look that shouldn't seem strange coming from her; he ought to have got it before, everyone does. Whether or not she judges him repulsive or heroic for that doesn't even really show. It's just like she put the look on her face and then left it, forgot about it.
She hardly has a speech to equal his. Not at all, in any way.]
So what's your plan then? What are you going to do now? Are you going to stop? There's tons of people here. Learn to do something else!
[Of course she doesn't have a speech like his. It's easy to ask questions. A lot harder to answer them. He throws his hands up.]
I don't know! I don't have a plan. What else am I supposed to do? Build shit? Bake cookies? I mean, I do all that stuff, but that's not what the Initiative brought me here for. I'm good in the lab. That's where they want me.
[Jesse glances around for a second. It's a funny habit, something stuck with him. He's looking for cameras, and he lowers his voice as he steps forward, like he expects the place to be bugged.]
It's not bad. It's not all bad, I mean. There's some things it's good for. I mean, I don't know... Maybe the Initiative's not even thinking like that. Maybe they just like it the way I do. But armies in my world used to use it.
[Oh, Initiative. You are so skeezy and sleazy and utterly not on the level sometimes, it's no wonder no one trusts you. Rin ducks her head, pinches her lower lip between thumb and forefinger a little, a thinking habit that developed who-knows-where. Then she glances back up at Jesse again and just watches him. She says nothing, waits instead to see if he'll fill up the silence.]
[He's incriminated himself quite enough. Not eager to volunteer any information she hasn't asked for, especially since he'd be admitting he's thought about it, admitting he does it anyway. It's one thing to do evil when you don't know any better. Another thing entirely to know exactly what harm you're doing and to make the choice to go ahead and do it regardless. Jesse looks around again, but this time it's really just to avoid looking at her.]
Well, okay. [The stare is direct, blatant and casual as if it shouldn't even seem remarkable.] Okay. If you want to learn how to do something else, there must be people who could teach you here.
[He'd sort of thought Rin, of all people here, had a sense of how the world really works. So the look he gives her in response to that question is one of confusion.]
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[Say what you mean, Rin!!!]
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[But this is important, so he picks himself up and stands up straight. Much as his muscles are screaming for him to lie down and rest, he needs to face her and be taken seriously for once.]
The drugs just help me deal, okay, with all this shit. I ain't like all you people here. Most my life, all I had to worry about was paying my electricity bills and whether I wanted to pick up McDonald's or pizza for dinner. Then things got all screwed up and now people wanna kill me and I'm a thousand years in the future with a bunch of superheroes and aliens. You know what that makes me wanna do? It makes me wanna hide under my bed and never come out. I woke up this morning and I couldn't even tell myself what was the point in keeping on breathing. And I reminded myself there's people who love me and I gotta breathe for them. But guess what - I didn't have those people before. I didn't have 'em for the longest time. Alls I had was the meth. So that's why I made it, that's why I had it on me that time you jumped me, that's why I kept taking it every day.
I can stop. I have stopped, and I'll do it again. But I never said it was easy. I'm sick with it and I'm sick without it. There's just a whole lot of bouncing between what kind of sick I feel like being. The meth makes me a little crazy - I know you saw it. I know. Now you're gonna see me down instead, and you and your buddy Edgeworth can laugh about how pathetic I am.
[He shakes his head, pacing around.]
And now you wanna know... You wanna know what I did? I did this. I got thousands of customers addicted just like this. Yeah, I'm still doing it. Edgeworth knows it, too. I told him all about it. Hell, I said it in court. 'cause there ain't no laws against it, and cooking's all I know. The meth is all I know. That's it. So as long as there ain't no law stopping me, that's what I got to give this place. Somebody wants the product, I provide it. Edgeworth don't like it, he can kiss my ass. I told him so.
So am I worried about him? Well, I know he hates my guts. I mean, people are asking for poison and I'm selling it to 'em, so he thinks that's as good as me going around killing people. Did I shoot that guy down in the red light district? No. But he thinks I did, and he thinks I got away with it like I'm getting away with slinging crystal, and he wants to string me up 'cause of it. He told me as much.
But am I worried? You're thinking, like, am I gonna get to him first, right? Am I gonna get him before he gets me?
[Jesse shakes his head again, emphatically.]
I know I deserve what he wants to give me. I know if everything's right in the world, my place is hanged up by a noose somewhere. I ain't worried about the day God comes and sends me to hell. It just ain't time yet. Edgeworth's got his work cut out for him. And me, I still got people I'm supposed to keep breathing for.
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She hardly has a speech to equal his. Not at all, in any way.]
So what's your plan then? What are you going to do now? Are you going to stop? There's tons of people here. Learn to do something else!
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I don't know! I don't have a plan. What else am I supposed to do? Build shit? Bake cookies? I mean, I do all that stuff, but that's not what the Initiative brought me here for. I'm good in the lab. That's where they want me.
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It's not bad. It's not all bad, I mean. There's some things it's good for. I mean, I don't know... Maybe the Initiative's not even thinking like that. Maybe they just like it the way I do. But armies in my world used to use it.
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[Oh, Initiative. You are so skeezy and sleazy and utterly not on the level sometimes, it's no wonder no one trusts you. Rin ducks her head, pinches her lower lip between thumb and forefinger a little, a thinking habit that developed who-knows-where. Then she glances back up at Jesse again and just watches him. She says nothing, waits instead to see if he'll fill up the silence.]
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What. How long? Like chained to a desk?
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What's the schedule like?
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What're you picturing? Like guns? No.
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