hostage | EXSILIUM

Nah, nah, nah. Don't make it out like you were worried about me, like you did me some big favor. I never asked for you or anybody else to get all up in my business. I never wanted help. And you didn't keep your silence, either, 'cause you were talking with Sonya - and who knows who else, right? I got no reason to believe a word of your bullshit.

Saul asked me! And I was. [Worried about him, she means, and she doesn't understand how he doesn't realize that, because even though so much of this was about helping Saul, she really was trying to help Jesse, too.]

Do you even realize the effect you have on people?

Effect? Like the everybody I know gets hurt or killed effect? Yeah, I kinda noticed. Hence my advice - that nobody ever wants to take seriously - to just stay the fuck away from me.

That's not the part I meant! [She pauses, then, taken aback by the realization that she just said that out loud. It's one to think it, it's another to shout it in Jesse's face mid-argument, and she can't help feeling bad about that.] Sorry.

[She's still angry, but it's dulled for a moment.]

[He doesn't even know what she's apologizing for this time. He's the one who just said it, isn't he?]

So the other part, the part where everybody has this whole idea about me that they made up and then they get all disappointed when I don't live up to it, and I'm a junkie, and I'm crazy, and I'm a criminal, and I'm not a perfect - a perfect whatever they thought I was supposed to be for them. Is that what you're talking about?

[God.

She just drags her hands over her face, sighing deeply before she manages to look at him again.]

The part where people think you're worth saving, Jesse. [Somehow, her tone is gentle, almost sad.] The part where people talk to you and they love you and want to help you, and I don't think it's about them having ideas about you or thinking you're perfect, they just see something good in you.

[Anoter sigh, but this one is softer, and she looks over to meet Jesse's gaze.]

I dunno how true that is, but god if I don't understand it.

[And she hates him for that, because like they said, knowing him gets people killed.]

Oh my god, how many ways can I say it so it'll finally sink in for you people?

There is nothing good in me.

Then how come so many people see it!?

Because they want it to be there! But it's not.

[And he chokes on that last word, a half-sobbed plea to stop pushing it. This is exactly what he was talking about.]

[The way he sounds is enough to give her pause, because for all her anger, she's not really interested in hurting him. Very, very carefully - and she'll stop if he pulls away - she takes a step closer and reaches out to touch her fingertips to his arm, not holding on, just... something.]

Jesse. [Her voice is as gentle as the touch, like she's worried he might break.] I've met so many people who are irredeemible, who're broken beyond repair, and you're nothing like them.

[Zsasz, Sionis, the Joker. This Walter White of theirs. She knows what it looks like when people are evil, without any good in them, and that's not Jesse.]

It doesn't matter what you've done, you're not past saving, you just have to want it.

[He doesn't draw away from her touch. It settles him, even, and his voice quiets so that he's asking honestly instead of confronting or demanding:]

Do you wanna live in a world where we get away with it?

[With the way he settles, she moves her hand so it's properly laying against his arm, not just a light touch, though she still isn't holding onto him.]

No, but there's a difference between paying for your sins and destroying yourself for them.

[If they were in a normal world, this is the part where she'd arrest him, where she'd help him get a good lawyer so that he's fairly represented and leave it to play out in the hands in the law.

But they're not somewhere normal, they're stuck here, and Jesse's killing himself over this.]

And there's a difference between letting someone get away with it, and helping them atone.

[He reminds her of Clancy, she realizes, and it makes her heart ache.]

[There's that word again. Atone. He's beginning to hate that word.]

I don't see the difference.

[In either case.]

I know.

[It's why they're talking about this in the first place.

She's quiet for a moment, weighing up whether she wants to tell him this, before deciding that maybe, just maybe, it'll help him understand.]

I've got blood on my hands, too, innocent people, and I have to live with that, but I also had to learn to stop hating myself for it and to start trying to make things better. Because we can give up, and we can tell ourself that we're beyond saving, or we can try to make up for our mistakes in whatever way we can.

[She's quiet, but keeps her gaze on him, hoping he's taking this in.]

Maybe I should be in prison, maybe I shouldn't be allowed to be Batgirl, but I'd rather keep fighting, and I'm so grateful for the people who've helped me get there. Giving up, hating myself, that doesn't help anyone. Forgiving myself, asking my friends to forgive me, and trying to save as many people as I can? That's the difference between letting someone get away with it and letting them make up for their mistakes.

[People have given her that chance, and she wants Jesse to give it to himself.]

[Jesse will argue for his own damnation. He'll even argue for Saul's and Mr. White's. But he can never bring himself to condemn others here, even when they come out with confessions like this. It's hypocritical of him, as Ellie's pointed out, but he wants to believe in redemption for others. He doesn't know why. He just can't fathom that they're as evil as he and Saul and Mr. White. And he wants to believe in second chances for them.

He sniffs and blinks back the tears in his eyes.]

I don't need anybody to forgive me. That's not what I'm after.

You need to forgive yourself.

[As careful as she touched him the first time, she moves closer now, and if he lets her, she'll wrap her arms around his shoulders, pulling him into a gentle hug.

This is exactly what she meant. All she wants to do is help him, even while she hates him.]

[People keep doing this and he's not sure why but he allows it. It's all so stupid. He would understand if it was someone who's still fooled by him, but when it comes to Sonya and Steph especially... They hate him. He knows it. And it's not unwarranted. So why do they pretend otherwise? Neither of them seem like love can save the world types. What's the tactic here?

For all his doubt, Jesse responds automatically, leaning into the hug though he doesn't quite return it, instead lightly placing a hand on Steph's arm. He is, after all, sorry for being cruel to her and for being frightening even when he isn't trying to be. He knows it isn't easy to deal with him.

Tears well up in his eyes again but he's going to do his best to avoid breaking down like he did with Sonya.]

...I can't do that.

I know.

[At least, she knows it's out of reach for a long time, that it may be possible one day but right now Jesse's too broken and scared of Walter and caught up in it all to be able to forgive himself.

If he gets away from Walter, somehow, breaks free of that, Steph thinks he might be able to forgive himself, but she knows how unlikely that is, too.]

Is there anything I can do?

[To help]

[Jesse sighs, drained rather than exasperated.]

There's nothing to do. Mr. White's gone, so... so it's over, I guess. Nothing happened.

[Except, of course, all the emotional destruction Jesse caused. But Steph and Sonya seem determined to push him past it, and what's he to do if they won't punish him for it?]

[For now, but she doesn't say that.]

I meant, you know, for you. To help. 'Cause it doesn't seem like it's over.

[He's still a mess.

It's easier to talk about this when she's hugging him instead of facing him, like it's all a bit further away.]

[Well, no, she's right about that. But what's she supposed to do? Un-brainwash him? Somehow, he doesn't think all the hugs in the world are going to cut it.]

I dunno.

Okay.

[A breath, and she pulls back, rubbing her hands along his arms and looking at him like she's taking stock of him for the first time.]

Why don't I start by running you a bath, and while you have a nice long soak I'll make you something for dinner, 'kay? Whatever you want.

[Her smile is rueful, aware that this won't really fix anything, but maybe getting him cleaned up and warm and well fed might make everything that little bit easier to deal with.]

[This is a really strange turn. He won't argue with it, though, giving her a tentative nod.]

Okay.

[The progression makes entirely logical sense to her. She gives his shoulders one last squeeze before letting go and moving away, seeming a lot calmer now that a) they've sorted this shit out as best they can and b) she's got a purpose for the moment.]

Are you gonna complain if there are bubbles?

[As she heads into the bathroom to start the water running, pitching her voice loud enough to carry back to him.]

[Is this really happening? A few minutes ago, he expected her to put his head through the wall or something. He takes a few steps in the direction of the bathroom, rubbing at his neck.]

Bubbles are good.

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